This song has been on the radio quite a bit recently and its influence is clear on this poem. The poem replicates the 'stay or go' dilemma and the complexity of the relationship between the two characters involved. I always got a more positive vibe from the song, like the feeling it was always going to end happily, but it was the opposite in this poem. That isn't a criticism, I found it interesting, and it was good that you didn't copy the song too much but also managed to make it your own to an extent.
The repeated words worked quite well and I didn't really notice them apart from 'glass' which did stand out a bit in this line 'glass window.' We know a window is made of glass, so the reader felt like you wouldn't have put it there if the limitations hadn't been on the poem. It's understandable obviously that you had to put it in but the other repeated words fit in better and its a pity glass didn't fit in as effectively because then it would have been perfect in meeting the challenge. But that's a minor thing in the grand scheme of things.
Overall I suppose, my general impression of the poem was that it was solid and sound, but perhaps lacked a spark of originality or creativity to bring it to the next level. The reader feels somewhat for the characters but not hugely, but maybe that's just my take on it and it might have a greater impact on others. The first 6 lines were probably my favourites: they grab the attention well and tell us quite a lot about the characters and relationships. 'Questions in our eyes' and 'sketched his shadow in my mind' are interesting ways of showing us how each character was trying to figure out the other and it brought in a degree of tension and ambiguity that not only the readers but the characters are aware of also. Lines 7-8 and verse three are fine but perhaps go a little too much into the imagery of colourlessness and confusion
'Light-headed, I knew I had to leave even' - I think this line presented a problem for me as a reader. I felt that there was little reason for her to leave: she admits that she is dysfunctional without him and he begs her to stay, so it is puzzling and because of that, sympathy for the character is reduced somewhat. The reader doesn't have to know specifically why she leaves, but I don't think the speaker knows herself either and I do think she should know a reason, even if she doesn't communicate it fully to us, ideally we should see that she does have some reason to leave. If a reason was hinted at or implied I think it would be better that leaving it basically motiveless. I think part of the problem is where the line is located: directly after she admits she is dysfunctional without him (which seems to be a minor epiphany), so the reader is set down that track but then in the very next line the opposite meaning is given and the tone jerks backwards again. I'm focusing on this point because while it may seem minor, I think it is problematic as it confuses the reader and so the final stanza doesn't have the impact it should have: again, why is she leaving, why doesn't she just stay or go back if she wants him to call her. Sorry for harping on but I do think this could be quite easily remedied to help make the poem a very good one instead of just a good one.
Overall it was an interesting read and one that dragged me into the minds of the characters and into their relationship effectively. It is hindered by the almost paradoxical sentence explained above but not excessively so: with some work and readjustments it could be improved and perfected. Well done!
Wow!!! I love it! So powerful and so much emotion! Good work my friend!! Keep it up!!
5 years ago
This is a great poem!! I really didnt see any flaws so here is my stanza break down-
First stanza- I love this set up as its a mystery. Its has a dark feel to it and I love the use of melancholic it fit fit so well here. I also love how you have questions in your eyes instead og uour mind, because it holdx morepower aand wonder.
Second stanza- I love how the first two stanzas connect and boom right off the bat you sketch him In your mind. I love the metaphor of the two shades like the honest and lying side of him never knowing what one will come to light. Excellent word play thrre.
Third stanza-wow what powerful imagery in this stanza. I loved this so very much because you worded this stanza so very wdll. I can imagine your world being turned upside down here as your world becomes a tornado.
Fourth- I love how you compare the tornado from the broken glass it fits so very well here. I love the simplicity of lines connecting from the first two. I like the littld twist too where even though hes the glass youf the broken one without him. Excellent twist of words.
Fifth- even though you love this person you sometimes do have to leave to better your life. Your heart always wants to talk. And again the twist of words. Je wants you to stay but you have to leave beautiful.
Ending- the ending is so sad because ghe glass is finally broken and the girl leaves and in the end it is what was best. I love this poem very much. Its wonderfully written. 5