Comments : Dysfunctional Possession

  • 4 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    Meme, again...you write so well...you always find something else to write, that totally blows me away. The darkness in this piece was powerful, almost eerie...just masterfully penned.

    Years had passed since the sun
    dusked on the kids we were, we
    shared a childhood but that was
    all there was to hold. Memories
    had evanesced and so did he.

    ^^I read this and had to re-read it again...the wording is so clever. I had to look up evanesced...and saw it means - evaporated/dissapeared...and thought that was very intriguing, and a great word to use. How you have forgotten, like he has forgotten...Not sure who "he" is yet.

    The slithering blood in his veins
    had only spun in webs of delusion
    for I was not marked to become his
    destiny nor to be his non-curable
    obsession.

    ^^ I am leaning towards a stalker, or a murderer, or both..."webs of delusion" I love that...wow.

    And he never stopped haunting
    the steps of yesterday...

    ^^He is always in your thoughts, he always follows you...that's my thought anyway.

    The chilly breeze I felt against
    my neck, the numbness of my
    breaths, the darkness widening
    in my eyes were all signs to his
    presence nearby.

    He had escorted the ghosts
    and walked alongside the
    faceless reflections. And he
    became a darker shadow
    among the shadows, never
    resembling the known, a
    result of obstruction that I
    only was able to see.

    ^^These two stanza's. Gave me a sense of chillness...like the wording...and the imagery. Just breathtakingly clever.

    I think this piece was well penned, it was dark, eerie and the imagery was strong...and I am thinking that this is a poem about having someone on your mind all the time, how he follows and haunts you...a memory of someone...or maybe, physically being followed by someone.

    Either way, penned so well...smooth and intriguing...really good!
    x

    • 4 years ago

      by Meme

      Thanks you SOOOOO much for the comment sweetie
      :*

  • 4 years ago

    by Khalid

    Years had passed since the sun
    dusked on the kids we were, we
    shared a childhood but that was
    all there was to hold. Memories

    I'm interested in the compatibility of the tenses used, e.g. "had passed" and and dusked". The idea you meaned is well understood. I loved the expression "on the kids we were", so attractive. The expression "had evanesced and so did he" again the tenses first is past perfect and second is only past simple. Maybe you better use "so had he" I'm not sure but the idea is wonderful, I personally loved it.

    The slithering blood in his veins
    had only spun in webs of delusion
    for I was not marked to become his
    destiny nor to be his non-curable
    obsession.

    Wonderful stanza, especially "non-curable obsession", so deep.

    And he never stopped haunting
    the steps of yesterday...

    The chilly breeze I felt against
    my neck, the numbness of my
    breaths, the darkness widening
    in my eyes were all signs to his
    presence nearby.

    The first 3 word deeply reveal his presence as a result of his presence (in the form of a kiss, for example). This is my favorite stanza.

    He had escorted the ghosts
    and walked alongside the
    faceless reflections. And he
    became a darker shadow
    among the shadows, never
    resembling the known, a
    result of obstruction that I
    only was able to see.

    "a darker shadow
    among the shadows, never resembling the known" proved he's a unique person. I like the comparison you used. It showed how much talent you have in your expression.

    A master piece in my mind. I really loved it.

    Thank you for sharing this with us.

  • 4 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    I love the title, but you have a small typo, it's "dysfunctional". From the title alone, I automatically think of a dysfunctional, controlling relationship.

    First stanza: He was a childhood friend, possibly a young 'boyfriend' ... if you can call it that when you are kids, lol. But he disappeared and with time so did the memories.

    Second stanza: This is where the story becomes creepy, like he's absolutely obsessed with you... makes me think of a crazy delusional man who 'thinks' they are madly in love, but in reality they aren't even friends. You wasn't meant to be with him, but HE thinks you are perfect together... I love the use of 'non-curable obsession' ... it definitely sets off that stalker vibe. Just from this piece alone he sounds bat-shit crazy! LOL Beware! should be tattooed on his forehead! haha, omg I'm a little slap happy right now, excuse my randomness :P

    Third stanza: He seems to always be around, whether it's reality or in your dreams maybe. I love the whole wording of this line.

    The rest of this stanza gave me absolute chills! I read the 'chilly breeze' as him breathing down your neck, but it was chilly because your veins ran cold and ultimately became numb due to fear. Eeeek, I gotta quit reading that, I keep looking behind me.. haha.

    Ending: So, he is a ghost? or he feels like a ghost because he's always there, yet you never truly see him? His presence is just always felt no matter where you go.

    Love reading some dark from you! Write more dark, you are lovely at it. :)

    • 4 years ago

      by Meme

      Thanks for pointing it out, lol, I guess I was so into this poem that I missed it, hehe

      And thanks for the comment, you always seem to get exactly what I meant to deliver!

      :)

  • 4 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Oh meme... what are you doing lately?? I haven't really been reading much poems of late and when I come round to yours I feel really connected to them and what you are writing about. I felt this poem slightly related to the same person from your other poem, or maybe that is just me picking up on my own feelings about it.

    What I really liked was how the first stanza was quite sad, touching and did make me wonder if I read the category as correctly being dark but then as I read on I got exactly why you placed it here and found it a very interesting angle to take the poem.

    I think you done well to show what this person has done to you and how their presence is known to you in a way no one else can relate to.

    Your ending is really powerful and makes the reader want to know more about the two characters and why they are not together and even what the other person is thinking or feeling. Has this all been the mind of insecurities from one side, or have they indeed been distant and absent. So many roads to take fro this poem.

    Great work xx

    • 4 years ago

      by Meme

      I appreciate every single word from you Saffie
      :)

  • 4 years ago

    by TragicChaos

    I truely enjoyed reading this. very good poem, and great wodring. You get a 5 from me. :)

  • 4 years ago

    by TragicChaos

    I truely enjoyed reading this. very good poem, and great wodring. You get a 5 from me. :)

  • 4 years ago

    by Sigoney Holder

    Brilliant.