Comments : Another Rendezvous

  • 2 years ago

    by Greeter

    The day was gloomy, particular rainy weather,
    and for a jacket or umbrella, I never bother.
    All the way to class, it didn't rain,
    thank god, I didn't care for that pain.

    ^^ Can you explain how is the rain causing you pain? Otherwise, that last line makes no sense. The function that you are giving it, it's to work as a filler which fillers just distract readers and make them lose focus of the poem. As a result, the rhyme falls under the notion that it was chosen just for the sake of having something there.

    But as soon as I entered, I was struck by lightning,
    that glow, that beauty, that aura, magnificently frightening.
    And everything else faded away into nothingness,
    All I could see was you, in that that little black dress.

    -- the last line.. are the two "that" required? In my opinion only one will do the trick.

    Overall, try to keep your metaphors more consistent. If you do, the poem will be more enjoyable. :) I mean you have creativity, (that's good) but I think that if you work towards organizing your ideas better along with your rhymes, the creativity will shine. However, I like the narrative in this piece. Keep writing.

    • 2 years ago

      by Mihir Deshmukh

      The"that" was a mistype ,and the pain being refers to here is the pain of carrying an umbrella or jacket which can take up a lot space .

  • 2 years ago

    by Everlasting

    Hmm thank god, I didn't want to carry that pain

    Or it may need to be re-written some other way so it may be clear that that's the pain you are referring to.

    • 2 years ago

      by Mihir Deshmukh

      That i would have to think of but yeah I'll see what can be done.