I think it takes strength to be able to write your thoughts down here and pen that sadness and despair, even if you cannot always admit how you are feeling, this is in some way getting your emotions out. The line about others doubting if your pain is real speaks to me as I think we can all compare each other's problems, say this is worse than the other, but we all suffer. We all react differently. We all need help and encouragement.
Hopefully you can reach out to others and share these thoughts though I know it's not easy, it's a start to at least admit you feel like this. I did like how you wrote in the title the actual time because I feel those times, the middle of the night, is when we lay awake with our thoughts, trying to sort them out.

Keep your head up and stay strong. Take care.