I read this and I think of a time when I planned for death, when there was almost a ceremony about it in a strange and morbid way. Similarly a friend of mine, who also did not succeed in her efforts, expressed a similar situation. I suppose for some death is immediate. and others it is this building moment where dream and longing and fear and finality come together for a new reality. There is a kind of dance, a tarantella, that is characterized by this chaotic round and round and round, a frenzied dance spurred bu the energy of internal demons. It could and sometimes did end in a collapse of exhaustion, or passing out. It's wild and slightly insane. I picture it as your journey around the Mexican hat.