Comments : La Frileuse

  • 2 years ago

    by Mortal Utopia

    Wow this is amazing! Great writing!

  • 2 years ago

    by hiraeth

    Woah, don't know how I missed this piece! Slow down with the posting :p

    It's interesting to see that you started off the poem prose-like, to act as as a wonderful prelude.

    I did a couple of errors with the second sentence though,

    "In need just to paralyze the hands of time, for what women want more than being cherished by such passion."

    I think "In just need" would be better, also it should be 'for what women wants more than being cherished with such passion'. I think 'with' is better than 'by' because it feels a bit more involving (more 'active' if you will) and given the context of the painting it feels appropriate.

    "The pallor faked a smile, muting words on the lips, and
    the fur failed, declaring surrender at the gates of woe,
    trapping the skin in frozen inferno..."

    The decision to personify pallor is a phenomenal choice, staying true to the painting. The first stanza entices the reader with a broad description littered with wonderful imagery that gets the reader thinking, of what the gates of woe entails, and of the frozen inferno. The oxymoron of 'frozen inferno' is wonderful, the warmth of love is overshadowed by 'la frileuse', the bitter cold of society and of failing health.

    "Fortunately the creeping demise still unable to defeat
    fingertips, used to summarize days and nights in features,
    stirring seasons of my life,warming what remains through
    the heart."

    There should be a after the first comma in the third verse. Also I think 'warming' can be replaced with something to do with summer to expand on the previous part of 'stirring seasons', maybe something like 'bringing June' ? or something like that. Just a thought. :)

    "I see you shifting your gaze away from reality formed in
    stolen breaths, coughs and pain-laden handkerchief; I beg
    your pardon dear one, meant for the colours to fade away."

    In the last verse, I think you could drop 'one' after dear, it's a bit redundant and actually makes it sound impersonal as a result, well at least to me.

    "Mourn the bereavement, but before, let the phantom muse
    give utterance, the portrait would never cease to treasure
    history we both lived."

    Might I suggest changing 'the portrait' to 'this portrait'? I feel it would as a result encapsulate the speaker into the painting

    I read this poem, and then saw your footnote and the title made much more sense, I thought you were using it to romanticize and personify 'the cold', but the way this poem breathes so much life into the painting is absolutely beautiful. If I did not know better, I could swear that this poem precedes the painting, you've definitely captured the essence of that painting, something incredibly complex to do given the subtle nuances. I really love this piece!

    The tone of your poetry matches the black ink of the painting, and the diction consequently reflects that with words like 'bereavement', 'demise', etc. I absolutely love your phrasing throughout the poem, 'mourn the bereavement', 'creeping demise'.

    This is going straight into my favourites and it feels just a bit reminiscent of Xanthe's poems, Germaine and Le Charnier, they were inspired by art work as well, shame she's not on anymore. But read them if you ever get the chance too, I absolutely love the mixing of poetry and paintings, just floors me. I really, really, really love this. Have I mentioned how much I love this piece yet? lol.

    • 2 years ago

      by GB

      Actually this is supposed to be an ekphrasis, poetry type where the writer interprets a work of visual art and then creates a narrative in verse form that represents his or her reaction to that painting, photograph, sculpture or other artistic creation.I think I tried to follow the tips clearly explained in this article:

      The title 'La Frileuse'x - a woman shivering - refers to the fact that Tissot's tragic "love and muse" felt constantly cold, she contracted tuberculosis, a very motivating story to write about it.

      It pleases my heart to get clever feedback, I like 80% of these suggestions and will edit the poem tomorrow, very grateful for your insightful thoughts, thank you so much, Mark :)

  • 2 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    I read your poem, then read the portrait notes.
    I think you captured the essence of Kathleen's paradoxical world: the warmth of Tissot's love yet her inability to heal from consumption, the "creeping demise."

    Your imagery more alludes to the situation than paints it on the surface (pain-laden handkerchief, staring at destiny, the frame can not endure).

    Yet the message insists on the insertion of reality into life (pallor faked a smile, muting words on the lips, and / the fur failed, declaring surrender at the gates of woe).

    You portray their attempt to hide from the world as an attempt to hide from her fate ( shifting your gaze away from reality formed in
    stolen breaths, [and] coughs).

    You have given these lovers a new life in your words, allowing their spirits to emerge briefly again.

    • 2 years ago

      by GB

      "The insertion of reality into life"

      ^ exactly, this is the main point in this piece. A pleasure to hear your thoughts, Larry. Thank you so much.

  • 2 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Hello Samia

    Congratulations on your fully deserved hm for this piece - any other week, I'm sure it would have won, but being a judge must have been terribly difficult recently. There really has been some wonderful stuff posted.

    Take care and all the best,

  • 2 years ago

    by hiraeth

    Judging Comment:

    An excellent ekphrasis that captures the core of the painting, the life of Kathleen Newton was extremely tragic and Tissot, and you did an excellent job expressing that tragedy into art. There is something bittersweet about the line "Mourn the bereavement", it is a bit repetitive but it works, since it works as a preface to the concluding thought that Tissot should not forget about his great love.

    • 2 years ago

      by GB

      Thank you for everything, Mark :)

  • 2 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Judge Comment:

    This is beautiful.... A woman shivering in a cold room with such entangled emotion.... thats the vision I got within this excellently worded poem! I do love Samia's stylish and creative way she writes... just a wonderful poem full of wonderful visual display!