Oh..what a question! I guess it would be devastating to have a still born birth. My daughter miscarried her first and that was bad enough. It was very early on but, still very very upsetting. I know she asked the same thing...can I do this again? What if it happens again? She decided it was worth the risk and now she has two healthy children. I think there is always going to be a risk but, I think the end result is usually favourable. Very thought provoking...glad to see you posting again Jane.
As soon as you realize you're pregnant, and especially if you realize you want to be pregnant and begin to embrace parenthood, it doesn't matter how early on the miscarriage or stillbirth is... there is no way to measure the pain that a parent feels when they lose their child. It's just terrible. I'm sorry for your daughter's loss, and in connection, your loss. It's admirable that she was brave enough to try again, and what a beautiful thing that she was able to have two healthy children.
I suppose what struck me about the death of my friend's son is that her baby was perfectly healthy right up until labor, no complications, and still it ended tragically. And so therefore during here next pregnancy, won't she be scared during the entire 9 months of pregnancy and during labor? There's no "okay, I've passed the point where I lost my last baby, so I'm out of the woods" moment. That terrifies me.
1 year ago
by Ben Pickard
This might be a bit long and rambling, but here I go anyway.
I don't want in any way to compare this to what your friend must be suffering, but I'll use the example because it works anyway. When I lost our dog in September, my wife and I were devastated as were the kids and we spoke about whether it was worth getting another dog again; why do it to yourself? Is anything worth that kind of upset?
To cut a long story short, six months later we have a new puppy for the simple reason that - if we didn't - we would be acknowledging that death outweighs life, somehow - that misery causes the scales to tip the wrong way more often than happiness causes them to tip the right way.
In my opinion, we cannot live our lives afraid of death or don't we simply become afraid of life itself?
I won't allow death to have that kind of sway over me...not when there is such potential happiness in life.
I don't mean to be insensitive, and I do hope you take this the way it was meant. Go out and live, Jane, and face whatever you need to head on and on your feet but don't let the tragedies that are bound to pop up along the way knock the wind out of you for good.
Not insensitive at all. Quite the opposite. I read your post several times because it speaks to me on so many levels. My dad has told me many times throughout my life that he thinks I feel things more deeply than most people, which he says carries with it as much anguish and despair as it does hope and love. The friend who lost her baby is my sister's closest friend, not even my friend except through family, but thinking of her loss has made my heart ache so deeply that I don't think I could survive it if happened to me. My biggest fear of having children is losing them. But you hit the nail on the head. If we live life afraid of loss or afraid of death, then we become afraid of life itself. Thanks for such heartfelt and kind words, Ben. It means a lot to me and inspires me to have hope and take risks. I do want children someday if I'm able to have them.
1 year ago
Jane this really hit home for me. Nearly 6 years ago now I lost my baby because of domestic abuse and it still hurts like crazy. Some days the tears don't stop other days I can just about hold it together.
Firstly, I do think the risk is worth it because we cannot be afraid of the what ifs etc because there will be a time when good things come but the baby lost will never be forgotten even if another one came, we will always wonder what they look like etc...
That second line made me cry because its true you can't lose what you don't have until it comes to a little one, because they have grown inside us for however long and all we want to do is protect them!!
Ahh, my heart is torn reading this. I'm not a mother and have no plans to be soon, but I cannot imagine the pain and loss. The faith this woman must have and the hope she clings on to. My aunt had a stillbirth I believe, which I didn't know for the longest time. I found out his name a few years ago and a special song she devotes to him. My heart goes out to ALL who are healing from this or have the fear it may happen. I know I've read quite a few stories where women have finally had children, and like Hellon said, taking that risk, now can happily see it may have been worth it.
Sending love always!
1 year ago
by Ben Pickard
Your point is spot on too, Jane. I always thought that. If something can bring so much joy and happiness then it stands to reason that, by losing it, an equal amount of misery and upset would be felt when it's gone. There's always a balance to be paid.
My biggest fear since having children is losing them; I can literally send myself mad thinking about it. But then I just come back round to what I said before to you - I can't be scared of life like that or what's the point in living?
This is so heartbreaking. I read New Mom and then this one and it just hit close to home. When my sister was first pregnant years ago, the doctors told her about problems with the baby and suggested she have an abortion. She didn't want to, even though she knew the risk. She wanted to go through with the pregnancy and she did. She gave birth naturally and got to hold him until she was ready to let. He would've been 8 this year, and I think if I asked her, she'd say it was worth the risk.