N. You know I'm here and I will try my best from all these miles away to help. This spit and post is one of the best I've read for a while and though it's a sad kind of write it shows how far you are coming and how strong you are too.
Nams, I wish I could wave that magic wand and make this easier for you. I know you have to walk or crawl this path if you are ever going to get to your destination. I just know, deep down, you are going to do this. I know it won't be easy and its probably going to be the hardest thing you ever do, but think about the gift you will be giving yourself. Having your life back with you calling the shots, not some damn bottle. That in itself is priceless. Stay strong Nams! Hugs my friend.