Don’t want to open my eyes

I don’t want to open my eyes.
As I curl my knees to my chest and let the sobs take over my body;
The tears run down my face soaking the knees of my jeans and the salty smell of them fill my nose-
I picture my head on your shoulder and your arms wrapped around me in love and comfort.
Somehow;
Out of the million and one things that I’ve tried in order to get my emotions out
this has been the only thing effective for me in weeks.
I picture myself drowning in your cologne as you kiss the top of my head and let me cry;
Because we both know at this point there’s no other option for me-
Words won’t form and it’s all I seem to be able to do.
Punching walls has only made my hand swell and my puppy wonders what’s wrong;
My dad doesn’t even ask because he already knows he’s part of it.
In your heartbeat I drown out the vicious words spit from both of our mouths as we scream and fight with each other on different things;
Most of which aren’t always a big deal but we do it anyways-
And I always end up being the one in the wrong even if I’m right.
if I open my eyes;
I know it will all fade away and the
reality of your missing presence will come back-
Leaving me hurting and all alone like I have been for the last two months.
So until you’re really here to love and comfort me in the way you have so many times before;
I don’t want to open my eyes.