Comments : Devils Pawn (My First Sonnet)

  • 5 months ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Milly,
    You know what I think of this through our pm. Superb - genuinely.

    All the best

  • 5 months ago

    by mossgirl19

    Milly, this is awesome...wow, a stunning first sonnet.

  • 5 months ago

    by Michael

    Wham! Bam! Ma'am :0

    Miss Milly this is a wonderful first attempt at a sonnet. So well constructed and a beautiful flow, throughout.

    Well done you :)

    Michael x

  • 5 months ago

    by Em

    Technical issues so double post

  • 5 months ago

    by Em

    Milly for your first sonnet you nailed it though I'm not sure on meter etc etc but who cares because this is just mind-blowing. I still cannot get my head around this form.

    1/ My initial thoughts were this person is definitely like a bad smell hanging around or a fly around sh.. (you get me) always there even after all this time and when you smell the BO spray or aftershave they used to wear it sets off all these emotions and jeez aren't they bad because I think this person was bad for you regardless of what you thought at the time. Just my thoughts... I like the imagery of their smell sending your blood ice cold even if it's a bad thing because it shows the hold they had possibly still have on you and I know exactly how it feels.

    2/ I feel this is about control though I may be waaaàay off the mark. Very powerful.

    3/ Wow wow wow !! Kindness always prevails in the end.

    Couplet: This is the most powerful thing I have ever read and so very true and relatable in my opinion. The grass (despite what we think) is not always greener on the other side unless we make it so. That's my view anyway.

    All the best
    Em x

  • 5 months ago

    by Ren

    Excellent job, Milly! Fantastic!

  • 4 months ago

    by CJ Maleney

    Love this,

    as your first how did you find the writing of it, I've only written 3 as I find them rather awkward. Obviously a problem you didn't encounter.

    Craig

    A

  • 4 months ago

    by Brenda

    Milly, awesome first sonnet! You really nailed it. Interesting topics you've been writing about lately. Well done-

  • 2 months ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    Sonnets are notoriously difficult. I can see you've worked hard, even using ye olde language. Like me you have found the stress placement a challenge and have errors as a result. Milly, this is an excellent first attempt; certainly a better one than I achieved. Lol

    Well done. ((Hugs))

  • 2 months ago

    by S s...

    Wow Milly, why didn't you write any sonnet after this one.
    You are quite good at this format.
    Atleast write one for everlasting sonnet contest.

  • 1 month ago

    by Mark

    Milly! Wow a sonnet! I know nothing about sonnets...so let this comment be my learning curve, learnin from you and theory.

    I have to google sonnet to find out what this style is all about.... the sonnet is a fourteen-line poem written in iambic pentameter, 10 syllables per line.

    Wow firstly congrats for trying this very difficult task. I would not know where to begin trying this myself. I count 14 lines and 140 syllables
    Well done.

    The rhyming structure seems to be abab / cdcs / efef/ gg ... Ive just learnt all this by the way. What that (hopefully) means is the poem is in four sections, the first line rhymes with third...second to fourth and last two of the poem rhyme.

    The content. Old English....do I love old English! The opening line is powerful.

    Thy stench dost wrench the ardour from my soul
    Stench may refer here to ones presence - or effect of ones presence. Ardour is passion. This line is beautiful!

    "Dost thy not stir the bubble', 'thou' could be an alternative to thy. But what a cryptic line!

    Well second stanza. Wow! What a poetic way of writing someone is evil! Also that they will be judged for their sins.
    "Muddy up the earth from all around"... Fantastic!! I feel like I'm in the 1800's. You do reference the devil, sins and underground...some religious aspects to your piece. Just like those days.

    Third stanza further explores the object of the poems sins and how he/she will be dealt with in the afterlife?

    Dark torture is the prize that thy has drawn

    I wonder if 'thou hast' might be an alternative here?

    ye have been played, naught but the devils pawn
    in your life's game you've lost the prize of love

    Perhaps thou is a possible alternative to 'ye' here.

    Wow. What a read. So you have my upmost respect for undertaking this sonnet and for writing such a beautiful piece. I see such beauty in your expressions. I've learnt quite a bit

    Amazing!

    • 1 month ago

      by Milly Hayward

      Wow Mark an epic endeavour to go into so much depth on my little attempt at a sonnet.

      In depth though it is and flattered as I am. I would like to share with you how I came to the structure of it because I think it might help if you understood the rules I was working to.

      I looked into various how to books and the internet and came to the conclusion that a sonnet should be as follows

      1. 14 lines with iambic meter
      2. Rhyming with ab/ab/cd/cd/ef/ef/gg
      3. 3 heroic stanzas and 1 heroic couplet

      Iambic pentameter being 5 x iambic feet resulting in 10 syllable rhythm. However... although the majority of lines should be written in iamber pentameter this can become plodding and predictable if you use exclusively so by varying the stress pattern you can make it orally more interesting for the reader (wikipedia)
      (Since I really struggle with iambic stresses partly I think to my accent I was pleased to find there was apparently artistic leeway here)

      The sonnet should have a single focus
      Quatrain 1 - introduction of the idea
      Quatrain 2- further development of idea
      Quatrain 3- further development of idea
      Couplet- BUT... new thought

      Which is why my stresses are varied. The word "thy" is to my understanding counted as a mono syllable taken from old English which is why I included it as a syllable in my counting

      I havent read anything to date that states that in sonnets that the rhyming sounds have to be different.

      I do struggle a bit with my thys and thous so you are probably quite right in pointing those out.

      It was the hardest thing creatively that I have done to write this piece because I struggle with my concentration and there is so much to consider technically whilst also being creative. I take my hat off to such prolific writers of sonnets on this site as I found it very draining which is why I haven't written another one. :)

      Hopefully this exercise and commenting will inspire you to also attempt this task. If nothing else it did make me think more deeply about how I string words together and has definitely improved my poetry.

      Thank you for taking a great deal of time to review my piece and for your interest in the technicalities of sonnets. Best wishes Milly x