A relationship where someone chooses you
is like being held in a hug.
It’s so loving and true.
Your heart fills with joy and you can’t stop smiling.
You’re with your best friend, and the world is exciting.
You wait and wait for the ring in a box,
a kid or something,
to show the love.
We have a child, and it was unexpected.
He asks if I want to keep her,
and there is no joy — only silence.
I go into the hospital heavily pregnant and alone.
He isn’t there. He didn’t care that I nearly died alone.
I raised her by myself while he screamed for me to leave
when she cried awake,
leaving me with all the responsibility
while he gamed in D&D.
My own D&D team kicked me out for having a baby.
Then my friends and family weren’t allowed to visit.
I was left alone with the baby.
All the while, my uncle was trying to kill my family.
My partner, instead of defending me, blamed me
for my uncle’s actions.
He wanted us gone so he could claim the land
and take 30 million.
Never forget the time he tried to run us over
with a giant bulldozer.
I called the police,
and my partner lost it.
It was my fault he nearly killed us.
Because I existed?
Because he couldn’t stand us?
I question it to this very day.
There was no reason why he didn’t defend us.
It was easier, I suppose, to blame us.
But it chipped away at my soul
when you always feel like the one
burdening existence.
I talk about when we are going to get married.
He just starts an argument
and makes me seem unsightly.
I got fed up in the relationship,
and I felt love once again.
Yes, I cheated online, and I feel ashamed.
I immediately stopped and we went to marriage counselling.
The first counsellor said to leave
and call the police.
The second tried to help,
and my partner threatened to kill himself.
I was his world.
He had nothing else.
If I was his world, then why was it so hard to propose?
Why was it so hard to bear a child?
Why didn’t you defend us
when we were being threatened — even still?
Abandoned at the hospital multiple times,
left scared and alone,
my life on the line,
while giving him a home.
My heart feels shattered all of the time.
I try to tape it all up
and act like I’m just fine.
It hurts — it truly does —
when it’s all been a lie.
But you just go along with it
and act like it’s just fine.
