Comments : Needing you close

  • 10 years ago

    by Startle Me

    First stanza? Beautiful.
    Show me the light, show me the spark.
    I felt something there.
    Hold my hand [[when I want to cry,]]
    Maybe you could change it to
    When wanting to cry.
    present me to the crowd with no fear,
    That doesn't really make sense to me.
    Feel my raging pulse when I kiss you,
    tell me again and again we'll never be [[threw.]]
    That was kind of off.
    Plus, you kind of spelt it wrong.
    It's "through"
    Lol.
    All in all.
    I felt as though your poem was jumping
    From one subject to another.
    But since is really, really emotional
    I'm going to have to give this a 5

  • 10 years ago

    by kolorful

    Liked this poem. Really good kinda of hav 2 agree ^, but otherwise good 4.75/5

  • 10 years ago

    by xxSnow Angelxx

    Beautiful work....lovely...so rich wth beauty n emotions..n u've expressed it well in simple words..i liked it though cz it hd so much of emeotions in it!
    xxPoojaxx

  • 10 years ago

    by Gem

    "Kiss me like it's our last day here,
    present me to the crowd with no fear,
    Smile bright when you see me arrive,
    your heart is all I need to survive."

    It was gorgeous and the ending was not weak at all.
    Sometimes we just have to see where the emotion takes us.
    And this is a prime example of how well it can turn out.
    Brava m'dear
    5/5
    *Gem*

  • 10 years ago

    by Dixiedaisy

    Yes, I can imagine you got emotional. This is a very powerful love poem. It describes in detail what we as women want from our men. Or at least in my P.O.V. I also agree the ending was not weak, the whole poem spoke volumes about feeling and wants, and ended nicely. I only found one small problem that I would fix and that would only be the spelling of one word.
    **
    tell me again and again we'll never be threw.
    ** I.M.O. the threw should be changed to through. Other than that the poem itself is amazing. Beautiful testament of love and the good things that can come with it. Good Luck in all your endeavors.

    Dixie

  • 10 years ago

    by Vanessa

    Wow that was beautifully written, I thought everything in this poem was perfect except threw should be through. Absoulty amazing word choice dripping with deep powerful emtions of love. Keep up the good work.

  • 10 years ago

    by David

    Yes, love is strong thru out this whole poem. so yeah, the ending was different from the rest but i thought the whole poem was so sweet and loving.

    5/5 David

  • 10 years ago

    by xxSnow Angelxx

    "Kiss me like it's our last day here,
    present me to the crowd with no fear,
    Smile bright when you see me arrive,
    your heart is all I need to survive."

    Wow!!....^^i soo loved these lines...perfect start n so was the ending..
    it flowed well too...lol...i knw i've commented on this 1 before...but it's worth commenting once again....=)
    Great job!Kudos!

    xxPoojaxx

  • 10 years ago

    by Karl Wild GG23

    I didn't feel the ending was weak at all, I actually loved the last 2 lines of the poem. The emotion was really strong and the pain & sadness was in every line. Great job 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Roses and lilys

    Very nice poem. I loved the words you used and the way the poem flowed. I think that it is a lovely love poem. I gave it a five out of five:)

  • 10 years ago

    by firexdancer

    Okay. don't worry, it was a gorgeous poem, i would just probably look at the spelling a bit, because there are a few misspellings, but besides that it really is beautiful, so sweet, i wish i had someone that made me that happy!!! lol.
    5/5
    gabriella

  • 10 years ago

    by Corey

    Not bad, as you stated last line kinda weak, so no comment. Nice imagery. possibly make it longer? not sure, the only reason the ending was weak was because it was somewhat abrupt.

  • 10 years ago

    by Sweet lig

    Absolutely nice and pretty good.. u've been really epxress what makes u botherd and it has a great starting..and to the end as well.. i like all whole message thoug! some lines are very worded and very clearl.. nice work and well done! 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Choose xX Alex Xx Life

    Fairly simple, but the rhymeing sceme meant it flowed well and still deserved a five on the vote. I liked the style of the poem and the dedication of the passion put into it.

    xxx alex xxx

  • 10 years ago

    by Fluffy

    Very good. You've structured a good love poem with a strong, solid flow of rhyming couplets. The imagery and figurative language are vivid and help the piece flow as well as it does. In order to improve, I would only suggest alternating this line from:

    "Breath in my soul and kiss the depths,
    deep down inside is where your innocence is kept,"

    to..

    "Breath in my soul and kiss the depths,
    deep down inside is where my soul is kept".

    I personally think it reads better that way and makes that stanza in particular a little more effective. On the whole, however, a very well written piece. Well done :)

  • 10 years ago

    by bleeding limegrenn

    Great work i liked the hole poem but my favoret line would have to be" show me light in every thing dark"

  • 10 years ago

    by Fsams

    Superb with an awsome flow n nice selection of words with strong meanings. wow 5.5

  • 10 years ago

    by heather

    U are indeed a very powerful writer.
    i hope to see mroe of ur deep work in the future =]

  • 10 years ago

    by Kait

    This was actually a really good poem. i loved it. yes, the ending can use some work but do it when your ready. other than that it was really good. 5/5!

  • 10 years ago

    by gary one and only

    This is really cute.