Comments : I'm so sorry

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    What a powerful ending. A sad piece, but the repetition works well and I like what you've done with it.
    All the best, and take care,
    Ben

  • 8 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I'd have to disagree about the repetition. I don't think it works here and it seems to break the flow. That's just my opinion though. May I make a suggestion for a different format/ structure?

    "I'm sorry

    for being so screwed up inside - broken
    for finding it hard to trust
    leaning on you, flinching away.

    For not being supportive
    being scared, awkward - worrying.

    I'm sorry my skin's not smooth.

    I'm sorry that I can't see you.
    I'm afraid to call you.

    I'm sorry she's better then me
    but most of all I'm sorry you think you love me."

    - I think some of the times when you say "for..." you could put it together to create some more structure. I also moved around some lines just to give you an idea. I don't think the lines of "being ugly" or "fat" work. But I liked how you said this: "I'm sorry my skin's not smooth". That is less cliche and more creative than saying "ugly" or "fat".

    I think it would be more effective to have the last line by itself, let it stand alone. That would make it even more powerful.

    Anyways, thank you for sharing this. And I hope your situation gets better. One should never apologize for being "broken" for aren't we all broken a bit inside? We should never have to apologize for where we are at in life.

    Take care.

    • 8 years ago

      by Love Hurts

      Thankyou for your feedback, I really appreciate it. I was more of letting my emotions out then focusing on format, but I'm thankful all the same. ☺