Things Working In Spite of It

  • Larry Chamberlin
    2 years ago

    I was thinking about Meena & my both having long term marriages (pre-marital counseling thread). It got me wondering what relationships have stayed together when the odds are against it.
    In the USA divorce has become so easy and accepted that difficult marriages terminate rather than working things through.

    My example is KeM & KaM. They went steady the last three years of school & got married two months after graduating at 18. They never had the time to discover themselves through dating other people. Our friends figured they'd last 5 - 6 years. That was 1968. Today they are still together, still doing things as a team & have children & grand children. Together since 15, married 47 years!

  • Meena Krish
    2 years ago

    WOW..Congrats to KeM & KaM! It takes a lot of understanding, give and take policy, learning to cope and face problems and a whole lot of things to get a marriage working.

    Its so much easier to give up and head for divorce, like my mother in law says "its easy to break a bond but it takes a lot to maintain it!" I can honestly say mine was heading all in the wrong direction but it took a lot of anguish, pain, tears and experience, learning each other etc to make it through marriage( especially when the age gap is big with different views to tackle with).

  • Britt
    2 years ago

    If it's broke, throw it away. Find happiness in someone. Find yourself before you settle down. Grow apart? Just leave.

    We are taught in this culture now that our relationships are disposable. It's heartbreaking. It's one of the hardest things to watch people divorce, when you know they didn't really try (they've admitted themselves).

    You have to fight for your marriage, every single day.

  • Colm
    2 years ago

    It's hard to imagine that divorce was illegal when I came into the world. It's changed so much in the last few years, it's gone to the point where as mentioned, some people give up when the going gets tough, because they can. It's just a u-turn of psyche/attitude towards marriage.

    Part of me thinks it's part of a wider issue that with greater prosperity and a more liberal society, people nowadays are just harder to please, they expect more from life and don't know how to deal with hardships. I see it with children sometimes unfortunately: they aren't happy with a PS3, they want (and expect) a PS4. It's like society has lost a certain humbleness, a ability to appreciate the good things and an ability to get on with it if things aren't perfect. Of course, years ago there were surely people who lived miserable lives stuck in miserable marriages, it's difficult either way.

    This coming to you from the resident expert in marriage and general life. (Not)

  • Larry Chamberlin
    2 years ago

    Planned obsolescence: we see it in mass production & perhaps it has become imbedded in society.

    One of my favorite quotes:
    "Society began to fall apart when no one wanted to fix things any more."
    Walker Percy

  • Britt
    2 years ago

    Lol I like your disclaimer, Colm.

    Larry I love that and thinks it's so true. Marriage is one of those hard roads, wild rides that are going to have seasons.. two imperfect people trying to do life together. To assume it won't get messy is living in an alternate universe.

  • Larry Chamberlin
    2 years ago

    Totally agree, but if you do really work at it there are two lessons:

    Telling the other person about yourself is better than telling them about them: when you tell them about yourself you're letting them in on what matters to you, but if you focus on them it's more of a blame game. "When you say [that] it makes me feel insecure" is far better than "You are always putting me down."

    Listening involves more than responding. We all know the difference between "hearing" and "understanding" but the more important part is putting the understanding into action. Knowing what the other person needs and wants is only the first step; incorporating all that into the relationship is what makes it work.

  • Britt
    2 years ago

    One of my marriage classes I learned there is no "you" statements in marriage..

    ... unless it's YOU are wonderful. YOU are supportive. YOU are thoughtful.

    I statements are definitely the way to go.

  • bequi
    2 years ago

    I learned a lot from this thread.. im not yet married, but i have a boyfriend and we are going thru a lot right now. he's ex is trying to win him back. i ask him to choose between me and the girl but he said he cant decide.. we are on our 8month right now, but the ex, theyve been together for 4yrs

    im doing my best not to give up, i told him im not giving up on him but there are times that i dont see the same effort coming from him. i hope i wont get tired of holding on

  • Dark Secrets
    2 years ago

    True... many marriages end because of silly things nowadays... it isn't even a good reason. I have a friend who divorced twice and she's still in her twenties, once because her x said she was ''too skinny'' and the other time because her x said she ''wasn't tough enough'', because he made her cry a lot.

    Other than just letting go, people don't tell each other what to expect from the other person. They just get mad. We're losing that connection. When there's something wrong, tell your partner! Express your doubts/ fears/ desires/ feelings! Especially in a marriage. It's supposed to be a life long bond.

    As for success stories, I have my grandparents. I love how their relationship survived all the hardships they've been through. My grandmother was only 14 when she got married. My granfather was a political figure and he fled the country because of the government and the situation here with all the tyranny and injustice. They lived abroad for a long time and travelled from one country to another, they are still abroad. They were seperarated from family, friends and even their own children, and still are. Yet they have that romantic and hopeful spirit about them still. They are my rolemodels when it comes to marriage.

  • BeautifulSoul
    2 years ago

    This is interesting topic. I guess I can throw my hat in and say that My wife and I are 20 years apart and we are still going strong. ( I am the young one at 26) Even though no one thought we would make it. we have been married for over a year

  • bequi
    2 years ago

    Beautifulsoul- congratulations! wishing that there will be a lot and more years to come
    for you and your beloved wife

    wishful thinking, crossing finger hopefully me and my bf , who is 8yrs my junior would make it till we say our vows and start a new chapter of our life as a married couple