How do you know?

  • Em
    2 years ago

    So I am a lady who has had many bad experiences in relationships and my last real relationship turned sour (domestic violence) so I was wondering how I get back out there and trust again? And how do I know it's the real deal because I'm 30 in a few years and would love some ideas.

  • Britt
    2 years ago

    In my own personal experience, I found someone who was trustworthy - and of course you don't know that immediately, but you begin to slowly realize. You take your time getting to know them. You watch for red flags but you don't critique every little thing. You let things happen organically. I learned that slowing down the dating scene, and truly getting to know someone before getting overly involved with them, I was able to weed out the ones who just weren't right for me. The ones that encourage you, and bring out the best in you, and you in them, that's when you know it's different.

    It's also important to note that even those you think you can trust will let you down. We're broken people loving other broken people... and because of this we're all wounded. Wounded people wound people. Don't put too many expectations on people, but do know your limits (obviously abuse is never excused!). <3

  • Em
    2 years ago

    Thanks very much for your input Britt.
    I never thought about it like that wounded people loving other wounded people but you're right we are all wonder in some way or other.

    Much love

  • GB
    2 years ago

    I think Britt said everything on my mind, still I want to tell you something important my dear, "age doesn't REALLY matter" .... The right person always appears in the right unexpected moment and that has nothing to do with age, in my own opinion, 27 is the most suitable age to start a mature, balanced relationship, so you didn't miss anything.

    Once you meet someone special, building trust and intimacy can go as slowly as you need it, don't rush, relax and take your time, get to know the person in front of you very well and don't stress yourself by too much thinking. There are still good men around, and always we deserve a better chance :)

  • Em
    2 years ago

    Thanks so much Samia for your input.
    There's someone making me happy so hopefully it's a good thing because we haven't long since met :)

  • Milly Hayward
    2 years ago

    I think you need to kiss a few frogs to find your prince. Treat every failed relationship as a learning curve where you are learning about yourself, your likes and dislikes and how you do and don't want to be treated. There are several things that I did to ensure that I found my perfect man.

    Based on what I learnt from past mistakes I wrote a list of my minimum essential requirements so that I knew if a new boyfriend didn't fulfil all of them I would never be happy with him. So for me my list was simple.

    A mutual physical attraction, kind to others, honest and respectful. Common sense, good money management, sense of humour, accepts
    me for myself without wanting to change me, Non aggressive yet manly and not a walk over able to hold his own in a discussion, able to compromise, doesn't drink or gamble excessively, likes travelling abroad, loves movies and sci fi series. must like dogs.

    That might seem like a long list but I knew that
    if the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with didn't full fill all of those requirements I would never be truly happy because those are the minimum qualities of what I need in my life. In return he gets the same - Respect, kindness, wont try and change him, compromise etc

    Anyone I met who didn't fulfil all of those requirements would never give me the happiness that I was looking for so was not worth dating.

    It was really important to just be myself, open and honest because I wanted my dream man to love me for me not for someone he thought I was and equally important for them to be themselves too.

    Even if they seem to be kind and decent and everything on your list, Observe their behaviour how do they behave to other people, friends, family and strangers. is there behaviour consistent in the way he treats you? Is he kind and helpful to you but wont lift a hand to help anyone else? Does any of his behaviours set off warning bells or remind you of someone you may have dated in the past? If so he probably isn't genuine. Does he fulfil everything on your list? If not no matter how gorgeous he is he wont make you happy

    Happiness comes in varying degrees. Some people are happy being with someone they love even if he doesn't make them happy. There are rollercoaster relationships that bounce from being on happy highs to miserable lows and they can become addictive because even though most of the time life is hell the highs when it is good is what is worth waiting for. Some people will even accept unfaithfulness.

    In short different people look for different things in a relationship. You have to decide what it is that you want in a relationship and aim for that.

    Also a mistake people often make is to look at every interaction or hang out as a potential partner. Think of the opposite sex as a potential friend and get to know them first.

    I am fortunate that I found my soul mate an he is everything on my list but I didn't find him until I was in my forties. I know a lot of women in their forties finding soul mates after bad relationships. Often with guys who have never been married

    So I wonder perhaps when we are younger we get tempted by partners who are a little bit reckless, different or exiting and get treated badly and then as we get older and wiser realise that the nice shy guys who maybe were not so appealing when we were younger actually turn out to be really nice guys who are everything that we could have dreamed of.. (works both ways girls and boys)

  • Em
    2 years ago

    Thanks for your answer Milly i think I will take a leaf out of your book.

  • Red Yoshi
    2 years ago

    Let love find you

  • Em
    2 years ago

    Definitely James. I'm not searching anymore,and allowing that to happen :)

  • Maple Tree
    2 years ago

    I agree with all the posts and advice given..... I want to touch base on what Britt said if I may "broken people find broken people"

    My husband Jim and I both were very broken when we met....he couldn't trust and neither could I.... we both just melted with our past experiences...we started out as friends seven years ago...but we quickly knew we were right for each other ....we have been married 6 years this month....our first year was hell I must husband was diagnosed with cancer 3months into our marriage, but life gives you strength.....every year since is a stronger beginning.

    How will you know?

    When you can be comfortable with that be completely honest , and know they aren't going anywhere...

    Actions speak louder than words.....

  • Em
    2 years ago

    Andrea that's a sad but beautiful story.
    You words are so wise.