Years of Chaos

  • Dave
    2 years ago

    Well not knowing what to say I'll jump right in. This is my life this is my time on this little blue ball in the sky. My mistakes are my own my life is my own. There isn't anything in this world that I can do to change it its present its already determined. With this said I mostly feel lost i feel as if I'm drowning with someones foot on my neck to keep me down. I used to have a good life with family fun and friends, and now its a twisted mess of bad luck bad timing and bad moods. I hate to talk to people not for the reason of being angry or mad but I don't want to say anything i'll regret to people I care about. is this how my life is going to be from here on out ... why ... I think I believe in karma i haven't been that big a of a douche my whole life I just want some of that what comes around goes around to be on my side just once. my life is bad luck a life that's full loss and heartache is this the way a person like myself is to speak I don't know I hope the this is the end of the bad I so badly want the good.... until better days friends lets just smile and try to keep happy.
    Feeling a bit down today the urge to put a bullet in my skull hasn't come across my mind just yet and I've even been up all day... all i want is to leave this place to blend in to fit to know what's going on.. but it never seems to work out that way one rejection after another after another after another. my life was best suited to be done and over with 25 years ago when all I had to do is worry about myself I hate the fact that i can't be there that I can't provide what other option do I have that is other than death Ill sit Ill wait Ill bide my time till the cracking point. I can tell you its close the method is the only question maybe I shouldn't think this way maybe I shouldn't talk this way but its feel its the truth I can't stand this life anymore.
    Here we are again how ones lives change in just days been 10 days since I've been here .. what more do I know; nothing my life still in the dumps I've felt better I've been way better I just don't know what to do anymore .. everything hurts most the time I just want it to stop I want it to all go away please just let it go away.
    Sometimes my nerves get the best of me and I just want to stop .. stop everything look up and end it I feel sick I feel alone I'm tired of it all the loneliness day in day out the same thing every day why can't I just stop now and not worry about anything ever again... yes I'm selfish i have 43 years under my belt why do i need any more... I don't... sometimes I start to cough and I cant breath I always wonder is this it is this the time is this that famous last breath.. just tell me when and I promise Ill just lay down and close my eyes
    A long day turning to a longer night the day was spent looking out the window waiting for the storm that never came waiting pacing sighing screaming and crying.. I want it to end I want it to stop the voice I feel myself slipping moving away from myself I don't know when the days start or when they stop I just want it to end.. I look down the hall I look down in the dark almost hoping that there's someone there.. some one that's come to creep in to cave my head in some one to snuff it just to pass on just to leave... Its dark its time to go to sleep not because I'm tired but because that's what I'm told.
    its a bright day out today. but still feeling dark... its the cold that does it. Haven't been outside in days now because i hear the wind almost lifting the roof off the top of the mobile home. I look out the window in almost anticipation of someone to drive up and visit me ... no one ever does I live like a hermit and feel like some sort of shut in that cant leave their home because for whatever reason the demon in the head doesn't allow it .. I guess I have that demon too
    its just after 10 I'm laying on my living room floor looking up at the lights chasing them around with my eyes watching and waiting for the blinking to stop the blinking of my heart the blinking of my thoughts that still take me back to years ago when it all went away when it all went awry there are no words that can describe exactly how hurt i am how sad.
    Is that why I come here I feel safe I feel normal like Im not the one with a problem but then I tell myself why isn't there anyone like this around me someone to bond with someone to bond to I hate it that there's no one even close. I get angry with myself all the time and I know things could have been different and should have been different it's too late for that until then here I am watching those blinking lights.
    No one calls anymore I have zero contact with the world outside of these walls.. Well other then going to see the pharmacist and getting my meds its my one chance to get out .. I always hope to see a face from my past to catch contact with another set of eyes that may remember my name .. remember my face.. remember the man in the past that used to know them that would have said hello or at least would have nodded my head. I dont know if the days of smiling laughing and celebrating are all in the past or if it just seems that way.
    I know I had my chance.. even tho be it small it was there now its gone what will I do.. what will I say and who the hell would I even say it to.. theirs no one there... I talk to myself everyday almost acting like there was someone right beside me .. hoping there was someone .. but knowing there isn't I guess I've lost every bit of my mind there is to loose. Its like looking down a long hallway in a mirror you can see yourself but you can't get to it. or yelling at a familiar face across the street and they have headphones in and they can't hear you .. thats how alone I feel.... And the phone still never rings
    Its Friday the 13th maybe i'll hear footsteps down the dark hall tonight maybe it will be the last time I have to think about it, maybe... My luck has to change. My days, My nights, My loneliness, I'm alone I sit in the dark every night just looking at shadowy outlines of that masked man in the closet waiting to snap... waiting to strike... waiting to hear the words... waiting to have it stop to be the end, i have nothing to look ahead to I have nothing to want or anyone to be there with me for me
    I come here to get things out to to work on myself and to tell myself the demons are gone away for good that they won't return to hurt the people that care about me. But I don't know who those people are I can't remember I can't see their faces even when I close my eyes I just want to go back to the time when I had a chance a chance to make a difference a chance to move the world. I vow this I want to make myself better I want to know i'm trying. I want to make it all go away
    Here I am again to "work" it out what ever that means.
    Here I am for what its worth I guess Im still breathing but I dont know why and im not sure that I even want to Its been years since I have came to this site Poems & Quotes what to say since I have first come here my depression is set on high, with not only being years since I've been an active member of the P & Q community its been a year since I have wrote in my so called journal year witch I only ever kept to myself now posting it here why i dont know. yet here it is. I used to keep it the practice of only writing a paragraph or two a day ... lets see how that works talk toy ya all tomorrow

  • silvershoes
    2 years ago

    Wanting to be better is a step toward being better. You are not alone. I read your post. I hear you. I feel you. Don't give up. Keep writing down your thoughts and thanks for sharing them with the rest of us. Share more when you have time.

  • Poet on the Piano
    2 years ago

    Yes, you are definitely not alone. Please keep writing and sharing. I hope things look up for you and know, others are here for you.

  • Em
    2 years ago

    You are definitely not alone