Theraputic Parenting

Hi all

Without going into too much detail, my sister has had her children taken off her by social services.
My niece (7) and nephew (6) will be moving in with me on the 21st of this month.
It has taken several court visits and home visits from social services to get to this point, also several hoops to jump through.

The point of this thread is the final hoop, and its a big one

This is a 10 min video that describes therapeutic parenting

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-oWUZNhEXo

My wife and myself have to get onboard with this way of parenting.

The problem I have with it is I already have 3 children, Am I expected to treat them differently?

We had made a point that my niece and nephew will be treated EXACTLY the same as my three.

At the moment I am in the camp that this way of parenting is too liberal and the children will not be sufficiently prepared for adulthood.

What are peoples thoughts on 'therapeutic parenting'?
Have you come across this before?

Do you buy into its methods or feel it is detached from reality?

wow Darren, this is emotional.

It must be hard for all concerned parties, including and 'most importantly', the kids.

I know a bit about this subject. And much of the details mentioned in the video are actually worth being taken into consideration, just for educational purposes.

I do buy into methods ofcourse, but only from the aspect that they enlighten you to some details that you might not have thought of before if you do not have previous experience, not in the means of actually adopting everything said.

HOWEVER, methods do not work on their own like magic, in all types, even in foster cases, it will take inevitable loving & caring emotions that usually come as acts of love from your heart towards your children without previous plan. They just happen and they just take place. Sometimes you don't need to think much about how to properly act.

In your case, it's not easy to deal with kids who are not babies you know; 6 years old and 7 years old, they will need time to adapt. In such cases you do need to read about methods in general, not precisely this method mentioned above. Because even if you wanted to treat them just exactly as you treat your children, they cannot clearly translate your actions and emotions as cleverly as your own kids would, because they did not raise up with you from the start, I assume ?

I do not know how your relation was with your sister's children before this incident so I cannot say much further, however, it's an awesome deed that you have taken this decision. It is a big responsibility, but I am sure everything will inevitably fall in the right direction if you love them and if you are content with the choice you've made.

Thanks Rania, I suppose I can cherry pick the best ideas from this.
There are some points I agree with.

I can't currently watch the video as using 4g but I totally take my hat off to you for taking on your sisters children, it must have been a really big step for all involved and I personally think all children regardless of being cared for, fostered, adopted etc etc should be treated the same irrespective of the background surrounding it.. I'll be sure to watch the video and comment fully asap

Noble thing you are doing, Darren, and while I can't say it will be easy, I think it will be well worth it. The experience will be challenging, but rewarding I hope.
Routine and boundaries: These are good measures to put in place for all kids. For you, as a parent, and for them.
Empathy: It's important to be empathetic not only to make a child feel accepted, but to teach them the value and importance of empathizing with others.
Time in, not time out: Keeping an eye on a troubled kid sounds like a good idea to me. Patience and watchfulness. Making them feel safe. Yes.
No surprises for traumatized children: Totally makes sense to me. Routine is fundamental when building trust and a sense of security.
Creating joy rather than shame: What a beautiful idea.
Name the need: Helping them makes sense of behaviors that they themselves don't quite understand is valuable.
Accept the child, not the behavior: Beautiful.
Let children experience natural consequences: My parents did this with me and it taught me to take care of myself and be responsible for myself. Wish more parents would do this!

So on and so forth. I'm on board.

Darren, what do you disagree with?

Jane

Maybe you should have made this video because the way you have just broken it down makes a lot of sense.
My main concerns were for my 3 children I have already. They may see this way as a bit soft. My youngest is devious enough to take full advantage of this. Also my three may feel that they are being treated differently.

My biggest concern was the discipline side. Although we never slap a child we will tell them off. This would usually end with a consequence that fits the crime. Such as my youngest stole her sisters paints, she used them all up and covered her carpet in paint in the process. We made her apologise to her sister and she lost 5 pound from her pocket money to go towards the cost of new paints. Another time she spent £20 online using my bank card. So she lost internet access for the rest of the day.
This new form of parenting suggests that you shouldn’t take things away.
We have always preferred this method. It might seem harsh but it’s better than the ‘good hidings’ I used to get as a kid.

Darren, I think you’re going to do right by these kids. I agree that treatment of all of your kids should be fair, otherwise you might see more problems erupt, accidentally creating animosity between the kids that could lead to acting out.
I don’t have kids, so my knowledge of raising kids and what works is based on theory and studies, not my personal experience. Therefore, you are justified in ignoring any advice I give.
I think the “shame” concept is key here when issuing punishment. For instance, if a parent says to a child, “I’m disappointed in you,” or makes a comment that targets the intrinsic worth of the child rather than focusing on the behavior itself, there is risk of making the child feel like they are inherently bad. This instills shame and has been shown to exacerbate bad behavior.
On the other hand, if you have a dialogue with the child about why the behavior is aversive (allowing them to take responsibility) and ask questions like “how do you think this made your sister feel?” (allowing them to empathize) and then issuing a fair and sensible punishment, such as it sounds like you have done in the past, then that is really the best you can do to prevent future bad behavior. Also, for repeat offenses, it’s been proven effective to have a known consequence in place beforehand and to exact this consequence exactly as it has been described if the bad behavior is repeated. As I’m sure most parents know: if you say something like, “if you throw a tantrum in the store, we are not leaving until you calm down,” but then the child throws a tantrum in the store and you leave together after 1 minute because they haven’t calmed down, this behavior will only become worse in the future. Setting expectations and sticking to them is important.
Finally, sometimes it works to give the child options as to how to ‘fix’ a problem, (again, allowing them to take responsibility and giving an opportunity to problem solve, which can empower them in a positive way) or to ask questions as to why this problem exists because sometimes there are underlying causes that need to be addressed.

Thanks for this Jane

you make a lot of good points.

The kids have spent the night with us. They loved their new bedroom with their names on the wall.
There was a few moments today but my wife sat them down and talked about feelings.
When my nephew was asked how much he likes it here he held his arms out wide and said 'as big as this' then 'as far as pluto'

With all of this we have said our priority is that they feel 'safe'
I think everything else will then fall into place.

Wonderful, Darren. Trust yourself. Your worry is a testament to how much you care. These kiddos are in good hands. I think you’re absolutely right: make them feel safe, which you will do naturally as a kind and loving parent, and everything else will fall into place.