I like it.

I think you did a good job saying what you wanted to say. Now maybe you could pick a style and use that to make your message more powerful. You have all your thoughts laid out here, and it's very easy to follow, but if you added a rhyme to it (I'm a sucker for a good rhyme) or maybe a pattern of length to the lines it could touch it up a bit. I'm gonna give you a 3/5 not to be mean, but because I think this has potential to be a good poem.

Awwww