Comments : Shh, little one, it's okay. [Prose]

  • 11 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    This is fantastic, the wording and language use is just great. a work to be proud of hun, please write more! xxx

  • 11 years ago

    by jojo

    Wow...when you say you wrote from the heart you really opened up. I could say it was amazing or fantastic but I think the piece already says it for me. Not only did this piece inspire you it definetly inspired me...thank you!

  • 11 years ago

    by LOVEmeNOT

    I loved it Cayce!

    For this being like the first time its wonderful. You really put your heart out there in a clear and powerful way. You took me away. Wording was good and everything. Your a good writer.
    i feel like as if i was your mother and i just seen my lil child grow up. lol I'm proud of you. =D

  • 11 years ago

    by Brittany C

    I liked it. It was sad and full of emotion and it had depth. 5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

    "[Shh, little one, it's okay.]"
    ^^^
    [I really like this line. It's in brackets, so it gives it more emphasis, and I always believe that small lines can be the best lines, simply by where they are put.]
    "They're almost like my own personal lullaby coaxing me to sleep."
    ^^^
    [However, I must admit, this line is a little over the top in the world of cliche. I always hate that.]
    "I guess our hearts do flutter together, like the wings of butterflies, but as I lay here toniight, on this cold tiled bathroom floor it doesn't matter."
    ^^^
    [Wow. Take a breath babe. Honestly, I'd break up this sentence for two reasons:
    o1. It'll make more sense.
    o2. And the points made would be more emphasised.
    And I also don't like "butterflies" pluraled; I'd say leave it as a butterfly. Just a suggestion, though.
    So. Try something like:
    "I guess our hearts do flutter together. But, on this cold tiled bathroom floor, I guess it doesn't matter tonight."
    See how I manipulated the words a bit? In prose, I guess it's not the trick of rhyming, it's the trick of placement.]

    "As these sins splash to the floor, my mind is in it's own race to see how many flashbacks it can reveal to my already fragile heart."
    ^^^
    [Really long, but I do like it. It could be stronger, but eh.]

    "Over and over, these flashbacks arrive, trying to drive me insane, but can you really drive a sociopath insane? "
    ^^^
    Are you really a Sociopath? If not, I <really> like the play of words here. If you are, I like how you added yourself to the poem; made it personal.

    "Another fight breaks out."
    ^^^
    [Something people never realize about my writing, but seem to love, is the way I describe things. Usually the reader knows exactly what I'm talking about, but I never come out and just <say> it. So far, this is the worst sentence of the piece (and it's the beginning of a paragraph, oh no!) all because it's not described. I'd put a lot more to it, or take it out altogether.
    "I was thinking those taboo thoughts, again."
    ^^^
    [I'd add a bit more to it, like an actual thought. It'll emphasis your "taboo" thoughts.]

    "Sometimes, I wish I could just shut my brain down, maybe, put a "back in five minutes" sign on it."
    ^^^
    [I really like this. However, the two sentences before it really kill it's true meaning. It's like killing the buzz of a high person, reading this line. The prose is great so far, and you get two bad lines, and by this sentence, you're not as interested. My solution? Put this as the first part of this paragraph and but the two previous sentences in front of it, behind it. It'll flow a lot better, not to mention sound better.]
    "I'm in a fit of passion so strong the world around me blurs."
    [F.ucking love this line!]
    ""Maybe, I've let out too many sins this time."
    ^^^
    [I really like this line, as well. It's a very intrigate thought.]
    I didn't think so, but these black spots are getting awfully big."
    ^^^
    [Lmao, I love this line! It's so amazing in everything, espically with the sentence before it. I think I like the "I didn't think so" about it... it just <fits>.]

    On the fourth stanza, I like the first half of the beginning line. The rest of it, however, I didn't like as much. It's hard to write a prose in the fact that you always have to stay on topic, and if you don't, you have to make it flow and sound right. I think you went a little off track here.
    "It's so beautiful how these scarlet sins seems to run together..."
    ^^^
    ["seems" should be "seem". And. I don't like this at all. "Scarlet" is so overly-cliche these days, you can't use it to describe anything without sounding cliche. And besides, it'd sound <so> much more unique to say "golding sins", or "purple sins".. See my point? Unique.]

    "I saved them. I set them free."
    ^^^
    [Brilliant. I don't know why, but brilliant. It's simple, but detailed.]

    "This art is making me forget your harsh, unwanted words."
    ^^^
    [Brilliant again..]

    "[That's right, sweetie, press down and forget the concern, but more importantly forget the love. You don't need him or anyone else. You just need me.]"
    ^^^
    [Really, badly cliche, yet somehow it fits and didn't yell cliche. That's good. I'd keep it, but maybe reword it? Eh, I don't know. That's your choice, of course. I just think the "press down and forget.." is the cliche part.]
    "That voice sings me to sleep, while still on the tiled, bathroom floor, surrounded by a pool of my beautiful, ruby sins."
    ^^^
    [This is the ending. And I disliked it. This is what I say:
    The beginning, middle, and end are the most important. The beginning drags you in, the middle keeps you there, and the ending makes you satisfied.
    With due respect, the ending here didn't satisfy me at all. Why? Because you went to the cliche side of town, which, for me, always ruins a poem.
    The last line always needs to be the strongest because it's the last thing they read and it either gets your point wrapped up and acrossed, or it doesn't.
    Sure, this wrapped it up and got the point across, but it's not orignal, so it won't stick with me and I won't remember this poem.
    Always make your ending memorabe. That's what I do. Everything sentence I write I strongly believe someone will remember because I try to make it that way. That's why people either like my poems or they don't. It's a love hate thing.
    ----
    Now, overall, this is an absolutely <brilliant> poem. It's your first prose, and let me tell you, it gets easier from here to write them. And I just find prose to let me open up more.. it gets more off my chest when I'm not trying to rhyme everything.
    Yeah, I used to be good at rhyming and whatnot, but I really like my style of writing now. I do miss rhyming, but I'm okay with not rhyming. And you did such a wonderful job on this, you should definately consider prose more often.
    Also remember my comments are mereily suggestions. If you don't agree with any of them, disregard it all. If you agree with all of it, learn from it. I was more or less helping you to write like I do... because that's how I know how to write and I couldn't help you write any other way (because I don't write that way). See what I mean?

    Well.
    S.hit.
    This is long as h.ell.
    So.
    I'll let you get back to your life.
    But if you need any more poems critized like this (I love doing it), then don't hesitate to ask.
    I really think this prose is one of your strongest pieces, from what I've read.
    Now.
    Have a wonderful day.
    xox.

    xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 5.5
    [oh, and I love the way the title was in the poem; it fits perfectly...
    and thank you for (or so it seems to me) a secret dedication to me. Maybe that's greedy to think that, but it still makes me smile. The best writings come from the heart.

    xox.

  • 11 years ago

    by xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

    [REVISED.]
    "[Shh, little one, it's okay.]"
    ^^^
    [I really like this line. It's in brackets, so it gives it more emphasis, and I always believe that small lines can be the best lines, simply by where they are put.]
    "They're almost like my own personal lullaby coaxing me to sleep."
    ^^^
    [However, I must admit, this line is a little over the top in the world of cliche. I always hate that.]
    "I guess our hearts do flutter together, like the wings of butterflies, but as I lay here toniight, on this cold tiled bathroom floor it doesn't matter."
    ^^^
    [Wow. Take a breath babe. Honestly, I'd break up this sentence for two reasons:
    o1. It'll make more sense.
    o2. And the points made would be more emphasised.
    And I also don't like "butterflies" pluraled; I'd say leave it as a butterfly. Just a suggestion, though.
    So. Try something like:
    "I guess our hearts do flutter together. But, on this cold tiled bathroom floor, I guess it doesn't matter tonight."
    See how I manipulated the words a bit? In prose, I guess it's not the trick of rhyming, it's the trick of placement.]

    "As these sins splash to the floor, my mind is in it's own race to see how many flashbacks it can reveal to my already fragile heart."
    ^^^
    [Really long, but I do like it. It could be stronger, but eh.]

    "Over and over, these flashbacks arrive, trying to drive me insane, but can you really drive a sociopath insane? "
    ^^^
    Are you really a Sociopath? If not, I <really> like the play of words here. If you are, I like how you added yourself to the poem; made it personal.

    "Another fight breaks out."
    ^^^
    [Something people never realize about my writing, but seem to love, is the way I describe things. Usually the reader knows exactly what I'm talking about, but I never come out and just <say> it. So far, this is the worst sentence of the piece (and it's the beginning of a paragraph, oh no!) all because it's not described. I'd put a lot more to it, or take it out altogether.
    "I was thinking those taboo thoughts, again."
    ^^^
    [I'd add a bit more to it, like an actual thought. It'll emphasis your "taboo" thoughts.]

    "Sometimes, I wish I could just shut my brain down, maybe, put a "back in five minutes" sign on it."
    ^^^
    [I really like this. However, the two sentences before it really kill it's true meaning. It's like killing the buzz of a high person, reading this line. The prose is great so far, and you get two bad lines, and by this sentence, you're not as interested. My solution? Put this as the first part of this paragraph and but the two previous sentences in front of it, behind it. It'll flow a lot better, not to mention sound better.]
    "I'm in a fit of passion so strong the world around me blurs."
    [I <love> this line!]
    ""Maybe, I've let out too many sins this time."
    ^^^
    [I really like this line, as well. It's a very intrigate thought.]
    I didn't think so, but these black spots are getting awfully big."
    ^^^
    [Lmao, I love this line! It's so amazing in everything, espically with the sentence before it. I think I like the "I didn't think so" about it... it just <fits>.]

    On the fourth stanza, I like the first half of the beginning line. The rest of it, however, I didn't like as much. It's hard to write a prose in the fact that you always have to stay on topic, and if you don't, you have to make it flow and sound right. I think you went a little off track here.
    "It's so beautiful how these scarlet sins seems to run together..."
    ^^^
    ["seems" should be "seem". And. I don't like this at all. "Scarlet" is so overly-cliche these days, you can't use it to describe anything without sounding cliche. And besides, it'd sound <so> much more unique to say "golding sins", or "purple sins".. See my point? Unique.]

    "I saved them. I set them free."
    ^^^
    [Brilliant. I don't know why, but brilliant. It's simple, but detailed.]

    "This art is making me forget your harsh, unwanted words."
    ^^^
    [Brilliant again..]

    "[That's right, sweetie, press down and forget the concern, but more importantly forget the love. You don't need him or anyone else. You just need me.]"
    ^^^
    [Really, badly cliche, yet somehow it fits and didn't yell cliche. That's good. I'd keep it, but maybe reword it? Eh, I don't know. That's your choice, of course. I just think the "press down and forget.." is the cliche part.]
    "That voice sings me to sleep, while still on the tiled, bathroom floor, surrounded by a pool of my beautiful, ruby sins."
    ^^^
    [This is the ending. And I disliked it. This is what I say:
    The beginning, middle, and end are the most important. The beginning drags you in, the middle keeps you there, and the ending makes you satisfied.
    With due respect, the ending here didn't satisfy me at all. Why? Because you went to the cliche side of town, which, for me, always ruins a poem.
    The last line always needs to be the strongest because it's the last thing they read and it either gets your point wrapped up and acrossed, or it doesn't.
    Sure, this wrapped it up and got the point across, but it's not orignal, so it won't stick with me and I won't remember this poem.
    Always make your ending memorabe. That's what I do. Everything sentence I write I strongly believe someone will remember because I try to make it that way. That's why people either like my poems or they don't. It's a love hate thing.
    ----
    Now, overall, this is an absolutely <brilliant> poem. It's your first prose, and let me tell you, it gets easier from here to write them. And I just find prose to let me open up more.. it gets more off my chest when I'm not trying to rhyme everything.
    Yeah, I used to be good at rhyming and whatnot, but I really like my style of writing now. I do miss rhyming, but I'm okay with not rhyming. And you did such a wonderful job on this, you should definately consider prose more often.
    Also remember my comments are mereily suggestions. If you don't agree with any of them, disregard it all. If you agree with all of it, learn from it. I was more or less helping you to write like I do... because that's how I know how to write and I couldn't help you write any other way (because I don't write that way). See what I mean?

    Well.
    Goodness.
    This is long as ... yeah. xD
    So.
    I'll let you get back to your life.
    But if you need any more poems critized like this (I love doing it), then don't hesitate to ask.
    I really think this prose is one of your strongest pieces, from what I've read.
    Now.
    Have a wonderful day.
    xox.

    xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 5.5
    [oh, and I love the way the title was in the poem; it fits perfectly...
    and thank you for (or so it seems to me) a secret dedication to me. Maybe that's greedy to think that, but it still makes me smile. The best writings come from the heart.

    xox.
    --------------------
    NEW/REVISED:
    "..."metallic liquid were clouding my head..""
    I really like the replacement of words.
    Uh. Wow.
    The ending was <beautiful>. Simply amazing. I loved it from "[That's right..." to the last line. It's a hundred percent better than what you did have. (No offense, of course. You just put more discription into it and it made it so much more beautiful.)

    I love this, Cayce. See how much stronger poetry is when you write from the heart and not hide behind your words? Poetry, in order to be great, has to come from the heart. And this is great.
    Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful job.
    ily.
    xox.

  • 11 years ago

    by Lu

    They're almost like my own personal lullaby coaxing me to sleep
    ^^^
    This line near the beginning really stuck out for me.

    Over and over, these flashbacks arrive, trying to drive me insane, but can you really drive a sociopath insane?
    ^^^
    I really found this one interesting. Really made me think. Knowing the feelings of flashback and feeling the same thoughts at times .... sad but true.

    Sometimes, I wish I could just shut my brain down, maybe, put a "back in five minutes" sign on it.
    ^^^
    I found this one to be very unique. I can visualize a sign being put on someone's head ... that's how picturesque this one was! Awesome

    Laying here on this bathroom floor, I've opened my eyes. I'll drown myself in these mellifluous lies one day. Just ignore me when I scream for the truth, because really, I just want a lie.
    ^^^
    This ending really tied up the piece very neat and tidy. Strong ... yet not to strong as to make the rest of the piece weak or forgettable.

    I really enjoyed this form and took it for a re-read. The second time round I found it held more depth than upon the first read .... though I tend to find that every write holds more the second time round or (read) simply because in the first read ... I am so anxious to see what is happening or going to happen that I don't give the words time to completely be absorbed into my mind ..... (That is why I tend to read twice ... to get the full effect)

    Well done
    Luanne

  • 11 years ago

    by MERCY is never shown

    This is really good it can speak to more than you think when you said you wrote this from your heart you really meant it i could feel the emotion and power behind your words

  • 11 years ago

    by Alvaro

    Laying here on this bathroom floor, I've opened my eyes. I'll drown myself in these mellifluous lies one day. Just ignore me when I scream for the truth, because really, I just want a lie.

    wow.. one word for me rolled off my tongue without my knowing, amazing stanza

    "As these sins splash to the floor, my mind is in it's own race to see how many flashbacks it can reveal to my already fragile heart."

    this part... is what made me fall into your words.. but there in this poem caught me so so speechless i forgot about how disturbed the flow was which it is a bit but it was still penned beautifully this part

    It's so beautiful how these silver sins seem to run together, rushing out like they've been trapped for so long.

    I dont know.. but i relate to.. it... so damn much.. as if i see them myself running right in front of me.. hmm beautiful

  • 11 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    Wow...
    This is sounds so personal yet I feel like I can deeply relate to some parts in so many ways. Whole piece is amazingly vivid, greatly written.

    - Those horrid taboo thoughts of metallic liquid were clouding my head, again-
    ^^
    This left me in awe. Remarkable description, endlessly powerful.

    - I think it's the sin that makes us human, but I want to be a goddess, so pure, so clean, so beautiful. -
    ^^
    Excellently expressed thoughts. I admire all those deeper meanings that these words carry.

    - It's so beautiful how these silver sins seem to run together, rushing out like they've been trapped for so long.-
    ^^^
    I like "silver sins" description a lot, it gives truly effective tone to this part of the piece.

    - That's right, sweetie, relish in the sweet flavor of hell. -
    ^^^
    wow... greatly said, again.

    Overall, this is truly deep and sincere piece, one of those where you can actually feel every expressed emotions.
    Enjoyable, powerful read that left true impressions on me.

    Keep writing, I would like to read more pieces in prose from you.

  • 11 years ago

    by jenna grace

    It was long, but acceptional. how you carried it was excellent. loved it <3
    5/5

    i love when people write from their heart; its so beautiful <33

  • 11 years ago

    by jojo

    Wow, this is real deep. I think out of this you could make a wonderful, inspiring poem, just a thought. I love your deep emotions and thought into this. I love the line "relish in the sweet flavor of hell" real g8!

  • 11 years ago

    by robin milford

    I enjoyed this u expressed your feelings very well

  • 11 years ago

    by Cale

    I really like this poem and i enjoyed how you rally expressed how you felt! You really have some really good talent. I just started writeing not that long ago but someday i hope to write on as good as this! Keep up the good work!!!

  • 11 years ago

    by BrokenREALiTy

    [Shh, little one, it's okay.]
    `I just adore when brackets and such are used -- in the "right way." This adds perfect emphasis on the repeat of the title, which makes it all the more powerful.

    Little shivers are continually shooting through my body. They're almost like my own personal lullaby coaxing me to sleep.
    `I didn't really like the first sentence, but you made it mesh so well with the second line. Though the use of "lullaby" has been seen quite often, it didn't sound as overused to me here. The use of "coax" is just gorgeous. Paints a soft melody across my thoughts while reading.

    As these sins splash to the floor, my mind is in it's own race to see how many flashbacks it can reveal to my already fragile heart.
    `The image that I got from this was absolutely mesmerizing, but it was a tad bit long while trying to read it aloud. Word choice is stunning though -- so simple and yet so complex.

    Over and over, these flashbacks arrive, trying to drive me insane, but can you really drive a sociopath insane?
    `Hm, the use of insane twice kind of bugged me, but it does work quite well.

    Destructive words are screamed, limbs are flailing. Those horrid taboo thoughts of metallic liquid were clouding my head, again.
    `Oh, the diction here is STUNNiNG.

    Sometimes, I wish I could just shut my brain down, maybe, put a "back in five minutes" sign on it. [Press down harder. You want this. You need this]. Those voices are whispering to me again.
    `AH, the first half of the first sentence made me want to tear my hair out -- such a cliche notion, but then you made it original with the "back in five minutes" -- just amazing.

    Maybe, I've let out too many sins this time. Too many escaped. Do we need sin in our body? I didn't think so, but these black spots are getting awfully big.
    `The use of sin twice threw me off a wee bit -- but the way you ended that was clever.

    I think it's the sin that makes us human, but I want to be a goddess, so pure, so clean, so beautiful. Immortality, will we ever discover this secret? Will we ever be able to outsmart and deceive death?
    `This verse REAAALLY hurled me off -- it stuck out like a sore thumb and I feel like you got off topic. I like the first wee half of the first line, but then it just ... dies a bit.

    I saved them. I set them free.
    `Such simple words; simple sentences--but they hold such strong, powerful depth.

    [That's right, sweetie, relish in the sweet flavor of hell. Bury the concern, but more importantly bury the love. You don't need him or anyone else. You just need me.]
    `I love the switch to brackets again -- it was like a switch to soft whispers, but I quite like the second sentence on -- it screamed cliche, and yet it sort of fits.

    Laying here on this bathroom floor, I've opened my eyes. I'll drown myself in these mellifluous lies one day. Just ignore me when I scream for the truth, because really, I just want a lie.
    `Oh, man, the ending just wrapped it all up. It was so cunning to me -- it sticks out, but doesn't overthrow the rest of the piece into oblivion. Quite a flawless ending, actually.

    So overall, it was pretty darned amazing. I kept reading it over and over because the diction just really stuck with me. For something new to you, you did a brilliant job -- it's not liek WAAAY up there with other prose I've read, but it's still such a great piece to read. The emotion here is raw and quite expressed. Well done.

    --..MiNDYY

  • 11 years ago

    by Normal is the Watchword

    At first, I really didn't like this, I thought it was way too wordy where if you could aword or two out, it wouldn't had changed anything but it would have made the impact of your words stronger than they are at the first few lines.

    It took the third paragraph to convince me otherwise that this was not some bland thing. Though you have two different ideas in this paragraph and should have cut it before the brackets and make it your own new paragraph, it did have some original metaphors: metallic liquid

    This is the best line though: it's the sin that makes us human, but I want to be a goddess, so pure, so clean, so beautiful

    I think the paragraph that line was in should have been stopped there though.

  • 11 years ago

    by Unamed

    Great job!..lots anf lots of emotion...i really like your wording!..
    ***aLy***

  • 11 years ago

    by Danielle

    Really wonderful.
    your high level of diction makes this prose so much more enjoyable then most others attempts.
    keep up the wonerdul writtings.

  • 11 years ago

    by Justin

    VERY GOOD... The way you express it is perfect.. i had to read somthing like this for a competition using prose pieces.. woulda been cool to do this =D

  • 11 years ago

    by Lance

    Started out a little wierd but wow the more i read the more i loved it!
    6/5 and i love the passion:)