You drift with amongst the wind, through my open window.
`Grammar -- either choose "with the wind" or "amongst" the wind. Both the words together just don't make sense. But the image your grasping for, I do like.
The breeze: it sinks, holding your insecurities, your pain and your resistance.
`It feels a tad bit too long, and a bit weak.
Surrounding the stars, the moonlight wraps and catches in my mind.
I feel you near, only in the night.
`I adore the first line -- but "catches" pokes fun at the flow a bit. The picture it paints is beautiful, though. But I feel like the second line just shoves it.
The sound of your voice, drifts through me.
When I lay with my head on your chest, you heart was in my ear.
The beat of your existence.
`I fancy this stanza. It's cliche, and yet it doesn't seem too cliche. It just works.
I'd capture the memories; of your kiss, your hurt and your goodbye.
And I'd watch them fall away, but only to feel you close again.
`Scratch that -- I adore these lines MORE. You started okay, and as the poem reads on, your words grow stronger. These were just gorgeous and such a universal feeling that many hold onto. I also like how you included "your hurt, and your goodbye" because most of the time, those are the memories that people want to let go of, not keep.
I've felt your grip loosen, I've watched you turn away.
Now I'd love you alone, waiting for another day.
`For some reason, I think it should be "Now I love you alone." I'm not sure though; all this poetry is frying my brain a bit.
Only at night did I wait for you.
Unsure of how you felt, but afraid of letting go.
`The ending is strong, but I feel that it can be stronger.
Overall, it was a good, just not great piece. I do like it -- maybe a few reviews here and there and it'll be amazing. Once it hit the middle though, I loved it.