Well it was a good poem, you should try not to use a lot of I's in your poem coz it messes up the flow :)

Try using 'ing'

By using 'ing' it will enhance the flow of your poem.

Example:
I look at you as you embrace her tight
= Looking at you as you embrace her tight

Also since your poem is past tense all your words need to be in the past tense :)