Comments : Listen Within

  • 15 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Thats really good, well done and keep writing ok xxx

  • 15 years ago

    by Ash

    A wonderful write. I really like your style of writing - it's very unique. 5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by JustKristina

    Wow..
    *shivers*
    amazing metophoric twist on this.
    a great write and very touching.
    and eery...
    keep it up!

  • 15 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    Hey this is so well written... i enjoyed reading it... the way you have structured the poem is nice... reaaly good work..

    one typo i found- witout = without
    i hope you will correct it...

    "(Lost forever
    To the depths of hell
    I meant to help
    My wishes were well) "

    ^^I was moved by the last lines...it reminds me of the times when i want to do something good... but it gets misinterpretted...and that hurts...

    great write...

    keep writing...

  • 15 years ago

    by Mr M

    Kind of long but rather captivating. I loved this one Laura...great work! The imagry is much better than I remember. You are becoming quite the good writer.

  • 15 years ago

    by Hollymariee

    I usually have a hard time getting into dark poems , but i enjoyed this one alot actually . Good flow and awesome rhymes .. 5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    To personify the darkness of Sorrow, loneliness, depression serves a purpose in this uniquely formatted poem. The poem also reflects the damned if I do and damned if I do not feelings that I am certain have entertained at some point in our life. For sure we entertain friends
    "Ah faithful friend is perceived as unhealthy in this case as it should be though at times we should avoid befriending our afflictions

    Very deep and well written

  • 15 years ago

    by Cotton Candy Clouds

    It seems that fate
    Has made a way
    For an old friend
    To return and stay

    (speak quickly)
    ^^ interesting...im intrigued!

    "Ah faithful friend
    How have you been?"
    My voice is bitter
    My face is grim

    (Quiet now)
    ^^ good descriptive words...i am still wondering what exactly is going to happen..

    I stare silently
    At her haunting face
    Eyes of shadowy pits
    A dark disturbing place

    (A porcelain doll she is)
    ^^hmmm....why?

    Her skin, pale as the moon
    With hair darker than a starless night
    One glance by her
    Gives timeless chills, endless fright

    (Don't move)
    ^^ you give a sense of fear and caution here...good way to put emotion into the reader!

    Horror stricken
    Here I stand
    Somehow witout control
    I reach for her hand

    (No, don't touch her)
    ^^ spelling error in "witout" it should be without anyway back to the poem...is what in parenthesis background info? why shouldnt you touch her!?

    A moment of warning
    Just a second too late
    I'm now under a spell
    I have entered the dark gate

    (Please fight, come back)
    ^^why does she have this control? and what is past the gate?

    My head starts to spin
    As stories begin to tell me
    Pain, agony, horror, and suffering
    Everything I feel everything I see

    (Do not give in to the poison)
    ^^ who is offering the poison...why are all these emotions coming up? good job with keeping the reader strung along!!! : )

    Sadness washes over
    Hand in hand she and I go
    As the ghosts of the past
    Replay their words of sadness and woe

    (Don't listen)
    ^^aww...sad : /

    At the end of our journey
    She begins to walk away
    I am left alone
    In tears I will pay

    (Stand up)
    ^^ why did she leave?

    I fall to the floor
    And begin to crawl
    Pieces of me scattered
    Just as a torn up rag doll

    (Who was she?)
    ^^ whoever she was she got close to you fast

    My friend?
    She has many names
    Sorrow, loneliness, depression...
    Her objections remain the same

    (Why would you do this?)
    ^^ life plays mean tricks and games on you unfortunately

    Here I am
    Left to die
    Empty and broken
    With nothing left inside

    (Lost forever
    To the depths of hell
    I meant to help
    My wishes were well)
    ^^ great way to end it ! really emotional

    you did a tremendous job of keeping the reader interested! 5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Brittany C

    Wow, I really liked this poem. The emotion was strong. I liked the format it was different and helped to make a point it kind of went with the emotions. I gave it a 5/5. I saw nothing that needed to be fixed. Keep up the great work.

  • 15 years ago

    by kelleyana

    This is well written from the beginning until the end. I like your writing styles. Keep it up, kel.

  • 15 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    Great title first off.

    Reading the first stanza, I like the short lines. I also like that most words are only one or two syllables. It really flows well.

    After reading the first few stanzas, the lines in-between the stanzas reminded me of a movie script. I was unsure of them at first, but as I read on, I really like them.

    Moving on, everything seems well written and flows well. For some reason, I really felt like this poem just flowed out of you. I am not sure why, maybe its the simplistic words, but it doesn’t seem like you had to put a lot of thought into it, I did not mean that in a bad way either).

    As I kept reading, it seemed to me that you were fighting with yourself. The main stanzas were one opinion, and the lines in-between were like a alternative personality. I really like the conflict.

    Once I reached the end, I love how the last line is all inside the parenthesis.

    Great job; i really have nothing to suggest.

    (If you found my comment useful, please feel free to praise it!)

  • 15 years ago

    by Skriptz

    My first time reading this type of style of writing
    very unqiue, as well as a smooth rhyme scheme
    nicely written 5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by beautifulybroken

    WOW i LOVE this poem...it gave me cold chills...this is really good you should right some new ones
    ~*~LIZ~*~

  • 15 years ago

    by beautifulybroken

    WOW i LOVE this poem...it gave me cold chills...this is really good you should right some new ones
    ~*~LIZ~*~

  • 15 years ago

    by beautifulybroken

    WOW i LOVE this poem...it gave me cold chills...this is really good you should right some new ones
    ~*~LIZ~*~

  • 15 years ago

    by beautifulybroken

    WOW i LOVE this poem...it gave me cold chills...this is really good you should right some new ones
    ~*~LIZ~*~