Comments : Beautiy...

  • 14 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    The whole concept of this poem was great, and you portrayed such vivid imagery, but the form you wrote it in was hard to read and understand, try writing in stanza's, or at least making one whole sentence together. The reason I voted a 3 was because of the spelling, it was very hard to follow. Try using spell check, it really helps and also look over and review your piece before submitting it. Besides those errors, this was a lovely nature poem. Here are my thoughts and corrections:

    "I see the blue bright sky with clouds
    as white the snow. i feel the bezee blowing
    on my faces so fresh and clean. birds flying free"

    First line: Saying "blue bright sky" sounds awkward and out of place in my opinion. Maybe try this instead "bright blue sky". A comma needs to be after "clouds".

    Second line: "as" should be placed after "white".
    Capitalize your "i".
    "bezee" should be "breeze".

    Third line: "faces" should not be plural.
    After "clean" re-word to "while birds fly free."
    This flows more smoothly and reads better.

    "flower's growing as time flys by. tree's as
    green and tall as the grass .........
    beaurtfly's flying as eye's i can see.everything"

    First line: "flower's" should be "Flowers".

    Third line: "beaurtfly's" should be "Butterfly's".
    The rest of the line after "flying" does not make sense when read, so I would re-word it.

    "so peaceful and calm. i feel the salty bezee
    from the sea. that look so peacefuly. red and orange, and yollow too. beauitful color's everywhere, up"

    First line: Capitalize your "i".
    "bezee" should be "breeze".

    Second line: Delete the period after "sea" and continue on....change "look" to "looks" and "peacefuly" to "peaceful".

    Next, the rest of the line does not flow well or make that much sense, re-word to this: "I see tints of red, orange, and yellow too. Such beautiful colors everywhere I look up."

    "so high. with the sun so big and full of light. i see
    the ocean so big and blue, with so many beauity
    that deep down inside, with the waves crushing"

    Why do you continue the sentence here? That just confused me: Delete the "so high."

    First line: Capitalize your "i".

    Also, you repeat "so" way too much, it really threw me off and made it a little too repetitive.

    Second line: "many beauity" should be "much beauty"

    Third line: Delete the "with" and add a "are" after "waves"

    "through the rocks so genlty. there so peacefuly.
    i hear them in my dream's late at night, that will
    be there when am doen. there the full moon in my"

    First line: "genlty" should be "gently". Change to "through the rocks gently and peacefully" It reads and flows a lot better.

    Second line: Capitalize your "i".

    Clean up the next few lines to this, to make it easier for the reader to understand: "I hear them in my dream's late at night, for when I wake up, they will be there close by. They are the full moon in my life, like a soft whisper in my ear."

    Keep writing always and forever.....

    -MaryAnne