Comments : Some Day...

  • 11 years ago

    by SimoneMichelle

    This is touching.
    beautiful.
    i loved it.
    x

  • 11 years ago

    by NinjaGirl

    Wow... a very sad and painful piece of poetry, with beautiful, fantastic wording and a brilliant flow

    This girl of barely seven
    Had nothing of her own
    No little toys to play with
    She just sat there quite alone
    ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
    a very VERY touching stanza

    5/5

    Keep Writing, hun
    As Always,
    ~NinjaGirl~

  • 11 years ago

    by Hating Moments

    Really really good- very touching very emotional-i like it alot

  • 11 years ago

    by Bare My Paradox

    I loved it, simple and touching, deep and emotional....5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Alexis

    Wow.
    Amazing much :]
    Its sad...incredibly sad.. but also beautiful and powerful.
    Keep it up :]

  • 11 years ago

    by Michelle18

    Very sad.. and heartfelt.

    the only thing i would suggest is using a stronger vocabulary. your words are very simple. but still it was very good.

    nicely done.5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Darya

    Wow
    i mean that was so touching
    its really sad
    keep up the writing
    its really good

  • 11 years ago

    by dollwithafrown

    "She sat there in her corner
    So quiet, so alone
    She hoped no-one would find her
    In this place that she called home"

    ^^ This opening stanza really set the tone for the entire poem. A really saddening atmosphere was created straight away, and as readers it's easy to sympathise with the girl, even though we know nothing about what has happened at this point.

    "You see, her daddy used to be there
    Until that dreadful day
    The day the bad men found him
    The day when daddy went away"

    ^^ The last line here is kind of iffy. Instead of saying 'The day when daddy went away', I'd changed it do 'The day *that* Daddy went away.' It sounds kind of weird with "when".

    "So now the girl just sits there
    She slowly wastes away
    Waiting for her daddy
    For he'll come back some day"

    ^^ I like that, despite this being a sad poem, the last line offers some hope. That hope may be only an allusion, but the hope is there nonetheless.

    Nicely done. :)

  • 11 years ago

    by Lost and Delirious

    Wow, I have no favorite part, I love the whole thing! 6/5 lol.

  • 11 years ago

    by Tina Marie

    This is a powerful and painful poem. i hope things work out for you and keep faith up for your dad coming back. i have a dad who is never there and hasnt been for a long long time but you know sometimes the bad things that happen make you a stronger person

  • 11 years ago

    by bleedingximperfection

    This was insanly good!
    5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Cayce

    -----> She sat there in her corner
    So quiet, so alone
    She hoped no-one would find her
    In this place that she called home
    `` I don't like how you repeated "so" in the second line. Maybe you could say "So quiet and alone". Just a suggestion though. You need to fix the punctuation, I really don't feel like going through the whole poem and telling you to put what where, but just re-read it and put periods and other things where they need to go.

    -----> This girl of barely seven
    Had nothing of her own
    No little toys to play with
    She just sat there quite alone
    `` This stanza caught me off gaurd a little. I didn't expect this poem to be about a 7 year old.. I was thinking a teenager, but it was a good surprise. I like a little girl better than a teenager, it just makes the poem more emotional somehow. Also, in the last line, you've already used the word "alone" once, maybe change it to something else, so it doesn't sound so bland.

    -----> She made no noise, not ever
    On fear of being caught
    Sound would never pass her lips
    For that's what she'd been taught
    `` The first and third lines are basically saying the same thing. I think you should change one of them.

    -----> You see, her daddy used to be there
    Until that dreadful day
    The day the bad men found him
    The day that daddy went away
    `` Eeek, what's up with all the repeating words? >< I don't like how you said "The day" in both lines right next to each other.

    -----> So now the girl just sits there
    She slowly wastes away
    Waiting for her daddy
    For he'll come back some day
    `` This was definitely sad.. but it just wasn't a tear jerker. I think you need to put more emotion into it, make this poem seem alive, make the reader feel as if they were that little girl.

    Overall, it was a nice poem. It rhymed and flowed pretty good. Just keep my suggestions in mind. :]

    Keep writing!
    Cayce

  • 10 years ago

    by Mrs Bunny Brown

    THIS IS A VERY GREAT POEM I LIKE IT

  • 10 years ago

    by TheBarefootedCowgirl

    This is amazing and sad and very well written!! i love it.... 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Really powerful wods here and made such a great poem of it, really drew me in and touched deep, well done keep it up hun xx

  • 10 years ago

    by ForeverASickKid

    WOW amazing job!

  • 10 years ago

    by ChloeLauren

    This is absolutley great!!

  • 10 years ago

    by xoxkatrinaxox

    Aww thats such a sad poem but its rly good. Everythin flows together amazingly. I love it
    5\5
    xox
    katrina

  • 10 years ago

    by xxXCrazyXNeonXGurlXxx

    Wow thats really good i love your use of emotion in it.

  • 10 years ago

    by She Is Now Gone Away

    This poem is deep i like it keep up the good work