Comments : Pause; A zoom in behind her face

  • 12 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    This is so intense from the beginning to the end, one of the most powerful poems I've read in a while. I really can't fully describe how I feel right now- the emotions that you excellently expressed through each stanza are breathtaking and truly overwhelming. I like the way you wrote this- every line is so effective, with great choice of words and memorable atmosphere, haunting in a way. Also, the imagery unraveled with every word in the piece, creating so vivid images in my mind. The rhyme scheme and flow also seem flawless to me. I love your newer pieces, they're so original and heartfelt and this one is not an exception. I would maybe rearrange the structure of the poem a bit to create more captivating rhythm because some lines are quite longer than the others, but that's minor critique compared to this amazing piece.
    Greatly done, Alex.

  • 12 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    This poem reflects very intense emotion in a rare rhyme scheme well done.
    5>>>>>>>>>>>>>

  • 12 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    Lets see if I can give you any suggestions. Here we go. I'll try to be as detailed as possible. :]

    First stanza;

    "Bolts of lightning, bolts of fear, bolts of force from the tempo of her life;
    how strong one's mind can be, then instantly like a disaster it falls.
    To her knees, they're red with anger. To her hands they beg the lord;
    her thoughts are sliced neatly with a knife."

    -This was a very great way to start the poem.
    I love how you start out with such powerful lines XD

    Second Stanza;

    "This unbearable pain sweeps a wind up her body; blurring as images speed up,
    this process of linear life structure has made normality the reality.
    No understanding of the underworld's brutality,
    this free world has this girl gassed up."
    -Love your word choice. Great flow. The rhyming is great. Your sticking with the ABBA scheme. Well done!

    Third Stanza;

    "Legs glued to the ground, terrified of her dreams, unable to speak out.
    The test she holds, as does she hold her stomach,
    to the devious father of course it is just a gimmick;
    yet her thoughts are with him throughout."
    -You couldn't have put that any better. "Legs glued to the ground." That is just a really awesome way of description.

    Final & Fourth Stanza;

    "Pause; a zoom in behind her face, behind the smile and the mascara on her eyes.
    The feeling she holds is totally crossed;
    remarkably happy, yet remarkably lost.
    Yet her presence, yet her plans have failed to sensationalize"

    I love your word choice here as well. It works out very well in this poem. The rhyme scheme is still there. :] Great work!

    Overall;
    I love how you contributed the title into the poem.
    You did a excellent job with your word choice, very unique words that were used.
    The rhyme scheme you stuck with throughout the entire poem.
    My thoughts on just ending the poem or contining to add on to it? Well, to me.. It sounds fine the way it is. However, people may think differently. If you have some possible ideas of what you could add, yeah, I say good ahead. There's always room for more. If others give you any suggestions you may decide to use those. But, for me.. I think it's alright the way it is if you just stop it right here. :]

    5/5.

    Great Work

  • 12 years ago

    by NinjaGirl

    An excellent piece of poetry. this is the first that i have read of yours, yet but i greatly enjoyed it. the description was amazing and the rhyme was magnificent. a brilliant flow to add.
    i didn't quite get any hidden meaning that may or may not have been there but i still enjoyed rerading.
    an amazing write, i must admit.

    5/5

    Keep Writing, hun
    As Always,
    ~NinjaGirl~