Theres always so much going on in my head. its like theres some tiny little race car is going around and around
and around in my head. i guess thats why most of the time i cant sleep. i never let the little race car stop for a
minute. i over think things you see. like wat people think of me. like wat lukes thinking. is he missing me?
or is happy he is with someone else. i realli dont know. i dont realli remember his face anymore. stupid i know but
its tru. i dont remember his face. or his eyes or the way he used to look at me. i dont feel his touch anymore.
but maybe thats cause i blocked it out. thought it was for the best to just forget. rather than remember.
i always wonder wat his doing. i know its werid but i do. i wonder wether he still loves me or thinks bout me. i wonder if he still has those things i gave
him. i still think he is just going to call me up and things will be the same again like we never broke up. but its not going to happen. i guess its harder
for me to forget. im good at hiding it tho. if i dont say so myself. keeping it together is wat im good at. but when im at home i just cant hold it in anymore.
i just cant. cause everything reminds me of him. i just wish there was a rewind button. i would of done so many things differently. i would smiled more.
done wat he wanted. i would of bent to his every wish. i would of savoured the moments more. just something. you know ever since he left ive wished and
wished so hard that he would come back. but he wont. he loves her now. i was just something to be used yet again. i cant believe i fell for it again tho.
all the passionate kisses. the looks. the "i love you's", i fell for it all. once again. and now i hate myself for it. i blame myself for this misery im in
now. it is my fault tho. i got too attached to something i knew was going to hurt me. but i was sick of being alone. i finally felt like i was loved.
like someone cared enough to spend that much time with me. to get to know me. to love me the way i thought he did. you know everyone thinks im ok with all
of this shit. the break up and all. i am to an extent.
one thing i can do without is the tears. every night since he left me. they have come without a doubt. and i dont want them anymore. but one thing i know is that im here to be used.
thats it. nothing more and nothing less. im here for guys to want me and root me but not to have a relationship. im the hot chick not the girlfreind.
just right now all the things he said to me keep replaying in my head. i just want it all to go away. i want to forget him so badly. but i dont want to let
go. and i know it will take time but i dont wanna wait. i cant hardly deal right now. i dont sleep. i dont wanna eat. its hard to just get up and go to work
and smile like the world is perfect and nothing is wrong. like dont get me wrong. i do smile and laugh but its hard to have him on my mind all day long.
knowing he is with someone else. knowing he is kissing someone else. knowing he is looking at her the way he looked at me. its makes me sick. i get that
feeling in the back of my thoat where you feel like your going to be sick but you know you wont or at least you wont alow yourself to.
you know wats funni. i thought he was the one. the one who would never make me cry. who would love me no mater wat i did. who would never try and change me.
who would stick around. he didnt do any of that.
i dont know wat else to say. i just seem to keep going on and on. but ill be ok. i always am. i always wake up in the morning and im fine and i go to work
and smile and laugh and come home in a good mood. than it hits me. he isnt going to call. he isnt going to be knocking at my door any time soon. he is
not a part of my life anymore. and than im back to this state. crying. rambling and missing him like crazy. while he is asleep in his bed. content. happy
