Comments : Raw Insides

  • 15 years ago

    by Catastrophic Beauty

    Wow. This poem is very deep and I know you put extreme thought into every line and word. The imagery was vivid and descriptions were excellent. It didn't flow very well though. I'm not sure why, maybe it was because it was just too much going on. Readers need time to grasp what is going on in poems and here it just seems like were getting info, info, info and no explanations. The last line was good but it would of been better if you said what is causing all that's happening.

    Overall this poem was very good. Despite the faults the poem was well put together and like I said earlier the descriptions were excellent.

    My Favourite line was,
    'Energy depleted, frantic beating slows, gasps echo in the silence,'

    -I liked this line because I can actually play that in my head and hear the gasping echoing and slowly becoming softer.

    Take Care and keep up the good work. I would of gave this poem a 4/5 but since I know you haven't been on for awhile I give you 5/5.

    Shannon <3

  • 15 years ago

    by Normal is the Watchword

    I think your start, honestly, was pretty weak but it led to a much stronger conclusion that pulled the entire poem up for me. I think I continued reading it mostly because I've read your later poems and your poetry is good especially compared to most here. I'm not a fan of most poems written in present tense, but this poem was decent with it. I think you have good strong images but at times it's a bit too much with the imagery, there's a balance between showing the reader what you want and then letting them imagine something for themselves. Does that make sense at all or did I just confuse you too lol? I would take out the word continunes after the fifth line because it just seems to flow much better and ending with a single word without an s at the end makes things just seem to stand out more. Maybe if you took out the word eerily in the final sentence, it might make t hings a bit stronger as well, the images you set the frightening tone alone without some unneeded words to reinforce it. Also the line before it could be taken out and give it that more scary finish so that it goes from the line ending in silence to the line ending in eyes. Comb through it and see which words you can take out that will not change the meaning of the poem. See if you can read it alout without stumbling. Try and make your sentences tighter, as they tend to flow better. Keep writing, you're really good at it!

  • 15 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    The flow is flawless and dark emotion is intense in this well written poem