Comments : Lost In Sinful Temptation.

  • 15 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    So far I'm really liking the style. I've found a few lines that I've enjoyed.
    "We play a game of vulgar temptation - give a little bit, then take it all away."
    `This line stood out to me, because it was the opening line, and I don't know. The word choice was great [vulgar temptation] woow, and it just really captured my attention. The line itself was very well written. So good job!

    "I see your fingers interlocked in hers, slightly caressing them a little too nicely for my taste -"
    `Beautiful imagery, I can so picture this little description.

    "Yet, I see the way your eyes linger, linger away from her face. "
    `The second linger and the comma before it isn't needed.
    It sounds just as good like.. "Yet, I see the way your eyes linger away from her face."

    "Some would call this a game of cat and mouse, others would say we're being a bit too sinful. Though right now, when I see your eyes lock with mine, I can honestly say - I. Don't. Care."
    `Woow this last stanza was original and weiiird to say the least, but you know what.. I loved the uniqueness in it! This form was basically prose but I still loved it. :]

    Great write, nothing else more to say than that. 5/5. Great work.

  • 15 years ago

    by The Queen

    We play a game of vulgar temptation - give a little bit, then take it all away.
    Filling our lungs with a gasp of clear air and then retrieving it, with a kiss of redemption.
    [Though this time, I believe that you purposely gave me just a little too much, for the satisfaction of seeing me choke on air.]
    ----------Lol the last line made me off the chair hahaha. It reminded me of someone. But on the serious side, I know the last line meant deeper meaning. And I must say I like the way how you conveyed powerful messages just by using ordinary lines and as for the eyes of other people they wont even recognize or differentiate it but im glad I did. The usage of words were superb, you mentioned a word or words, then you said something contradicting to the previous that made it a very interesting read.

    I see your fingers interlocked in hers, slightly caressing them a little too nicely for my taste -
    Yet, I see the way your eyes linger away from her face.
    And no one else's eyes can catch the way the corners of your lips turn up at the sight of me when she turns away.
    [I should feel guilty, shouldn't I?]
    ------------Superb lines. Every word left me with awe. Lol I liked how you put the hmm a little of jealousy to your taste, too nicely for your taste.xD I think the last line was the best ever line that tells cheating is somehow exciting lol sorry for the word girl. But honestly I liked your style, you tried to paint the emotion in this poem behind the stunning combination of your words.

    Some would call this a game of cat and mouse, others would say we're being a bit too sinful. Though right now, when I see your eyes lock with mine, I can honestly say - I. Don't. Care.
    ----------To some love is as powerful as that or maybe to most of the people. The form and style made your poem outstanding. I like the usage of punctuation mark in the right places that although it was written as if it’s a full sentence yet it turned out amazingly beautiful. You mentioned in your comment that you would love to do Tanka too, well I guess you find it difficult as you are already good of conveying a certain message in just few words. Good job.