Oh wow Bree, this really gave me goosebumps. It really shows how much you care about someone. When they were suffering and basically dying you wanted to take their place so they didn't have to go through the pain and the sickness. You'd do anything to make them feel better. Such a sad piece, I hope it's not true, if so.. sorry for your loss. :\ Well done however, great flow and such. 5/5.

Very nice. I really like it since I can relate and have a poem similar to it. But anyway, it was a very heart-felt poem, full of emotions. The flow worked very well in this poem. When reading, one can really tell you put everything into this. Only thing bothering me is in the first stanza, second line, ..."not knowing if he can see." I wasn't sure what this was referring to and it did not sound like it fit. Maybe it's my misinterpretation, but I don't know. Other than that, wonderful job.

This poem tell such a sad story about a person who was sick and dies not long after that.
Throughout the poem you used the rhyming scheme a,a,b,b which Find fit here because it seperates the stanzas into two parts, like the life of the sick person, before and after.
The stanzas and flow were constructed well, and the choosing of words and metaphores were ones I could easily imagine in my mind, which made it more interesting.

There is nothing bad I found in this piece beside the end of the first stanza, I think I would write something like:
This terrible disease was forced upon him
Why was he destined to a fate so grim?

That's all for this one 5/5

Here goes! :)

Stanza 1:
"He lays in his bed, as quiet as can be
I sit and I stare, not knowing if he can see.
This terrible disease was forced upon him
he's fallen asleep, so the lights here are dim."

> Very sad opening.. I already feel as if I am sitting next to 'him', in a dark room. The mood I think is set well, and rhyming also very nicely done :) Although, the last line seems a little off, like, i can sense something which doesn't sound right, i.e., "He's fallen asleep; the lights here are surely dim."

Or instead of 'surely' maybe a descriptive word or along the lines? I think it may have been the use of fillers??? * suggestion*

Stanza 2:
"He is far too amazing, he didn't deserve this
I'd take his place, but I'm not getting my wish.
He looks so calm, and so happy laying there
God, I hope that you know, this just isn't fair."

> Also very sad stanza. Mood is very depressing, but I am enjoying the talent expressed, such as the rhyming.. and also I still feel as though I am sitting there.. just as she is. Another suggestion (sorry), third line; "He looks so calm, and so happy laying there." maybe change to > "He looks so calm, and happy laying there." because of the use of the word "so" :) *suggestion*

Stanza 3:
"What did he do, to experience these feelings?
the doctor says slim is the chance of healing.
I cry every night and everyday because I know
looking strong so he won't worry, it's all a show."

> Wow. So much meaning and feeling in this. Took my breath away (understatement). Love the word usage in this, and how you have portrayed it. Really feel like im in that room.. with that mood. Very well done. My favourite stanza yet. :)

Stanza 4:
"He was too young to pass on in that unruly way,
God, why didn't you let him live just one more day?
I stand at his grave, frozen in this statue-like stance
the news was too late, he didn't stand a fighting chance."

> I love how this related to the first stanza: i.e., 'the news was too late' as the 'terrible disease was forced upon him'. Very well done. Also how you have used time as a key catalyst. I.e., you WERE with him, staring at him, next you ARE at his grave. Very well done.

Poem Summary:
Very well done. Loved it. Nearly brought tears to my eyes. I have been around death alot, and it really doesnt get easier as they multiply. Very well done.. and as Shinobi above suggested about the last two lines in the first stanza, I really like that suggestion.

Rhyming. Great. Words. Excellent. Meaning. Unimaginable.

:)

Well done! Keep it up!

Definately 5 /5 :)

Nicole

xx

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss hun :(
This poem really spoke to me, seriously. It holds so much depth and meaning. It reminds me of my grandad, He too died this year. And the way you described him laying on the bed looking so calm and happy that part really touches me because I can relate to it. Watching down on someone who is so ill but looking so strong and happy. Amazing poem hun :)
xxxx Much Love
Roxy xxxx