Aw, Amber this is a beautiful piece. I can sense with every word that it truly came from your heart. (: The fluidity was solid, and as they are lyrics -- it was not too cryptic at all, which is perfect. I love the line about angels flying away ... very sad. The story portrayed is one many can get it touch with personally. Overall a wonderful job, dear. One typo I saw though on this line:
"I see the pills clenched between his fingers as he's holding my tight."
I believe you meant `holding ME tight`
It felt like the same read as the song from before, same problem same situation just put into different words, but based on this song without the one i just read, it was a 4/5, idk its hard for me to rate songs, because im putting it to my own melody, and it doesnt turn out right as your melody. The chorus seemed to much repeated, some repeating gets the point across and if its done just right it leaves a lasting effect, but that was the only thing i can really critique on, the very first stanza was extremely original and non complex like songs are suppose to be, a good way to get somebodys attention and listen to the rest, you should publish the songs on myspace.
11 years ago
So incredible, please teach me to write like you?! :]
Wow, excellent song. As I read it, I started to sing it, and the flow and feel was outstanding!!! The overall structure and use of vocab in all the right places put it in #1 in the charts (if it was released, in my opinion) Excellent write, keep up the fantastic work.
I absolutely love this song. I almost felt the beat. Of course it was more of a reading beat. I hate not knowing how songs are going to be sung, you can only imagine... and everyone imagines differently.
Either way, you've got an amazing piece here [on paper at least, lol]. And, I adore it. It's got good emotion and wording and flow.
You know these 2 songs alone should make you one of the greatest song writers. i know this much it makes you one of my fav poets on here. im utterly speechless in the presence of your work *bows*---
Wow that was awsome. I have dealt with the same situations as the person you describe. I really needed someone like you when I was 17. Very inspirational writing.
11 years ago
by Cyber Saiyan
Great work; really well written and easy to put to any type of music.
I thought the word lightheadedness as a little long. It broke up the flow just a little bit and kind of twisted my tongue.
â€œHe says that he feels so hopeless, nothing's going to change.â€ This is a great line, but the â€œnothings going toâ€ part seems is a little to factual, like it CANNOT change no matter what. Try adding LIKE in front of NOTHING. It seems to flow better.
â€œor let it slip like sandâ€ This seems like an incomplete thought. Maybe the words SLIP THROUGH would be better. In the same stanza, I really enjoy the work GRASP. Its powerful and not too common. It really brings meaning to the line.
In the chorus, â€œwhen you hit the veinâ€ is a little truncated. Maybe try WHEN THE NEEDLE HITS THE VEIN. YOU seems a little weak in a phrase so powerful.
â€œI see the pills clenched between his fingers as he's holding me tight.
He's not doing it now, but that picture's in my mind.â€ This is a great point, but the first line is really long and the second is kind of short, it seemed to lose the flow when putting a meter on it.
The bridge is perfect, donâ€™t change a thing. I really like how you express to readers that you understand the pain and reassure them that you will be there the whole way.