You have an amazing poem here. I really enjoyed reading it. And, to get the feel of things again... well you've definitely got the feel of it. Just a few places where the flow was off, and with just a few switches and add-ins it'll be great. You've done a wonderful job. :]

Tick tock, tick tock
time is flying right by.
The hands are moving
happiness must be a lie.

[Tick tock, tick tock
time is flying right by.
The hand are moving
happiness is just a lie]

Comments: The reason I changed the last line is because it makes the lie part more concrete, instead of insinuating it you're confirming it.

Tick tock, tick tock
we're falling apart.
You gave it all up
only for a new start.

[Tick tock, tick tock
we're all falling apart.
You gave it all up,
only for a new start]

Comments: I added 'all' to make it flow just a bit better.

Tick tock, tick tock
you're so far away.
I've got only a picture
to get me through the day.

[Tick tock, tick tock
you are so far away.
I've only got a picture
to get me through this day.]

Comments: The third line I switched around for the flow's sake and the last line, I think that when you go from 'the' to 'this' it makes it more powerful. Like the emotion is now.

Tick tock, tick tock
we've lost everything.
Time is what we need
more than anything.

[Tick tock, tick tock
we have lost everything.
Time is what we need,
more than anything.]

Comments: ' we have' makes it more boomerific, as I call it. A lot of conjunctions make it less powerful. Not always, though... just sometimes.

Tick tock, tick tock
life has flown right by.
I guess you thought
it was time to die.

[ Tick tock, tick tock
life has flown right by.
I guess you thought
that it was time to die]

Comment: adding that extra syllable in there made it flow better, only reason I did it.

Okay...my first thought was "oh my, she's going to win me..." ^^

the poem is really good, in my opinion...
(don't agree with what you wrote above the poem... -.-)

I like the rhythm of it, it reminds me of an old clock i have in my living room... ^^ now, really, the "tick tock" in the first verse of each stanza matches the rhythm of the rest of the stanza...

i think the flow is good...
Yet I would think also (referring to the last comment...) of changing "I've got only a picture" to "I've only got a picture", but i wouldn't be sure... it would flow better...though, it could change the meaning (now speaking in terms of interpretation)
because the way you wrote it symbolises better the fact that there's nothing more than can help you get through the day...

besides that, i wouldn't change a thing... :)

5/5

*isabel*

Your strategy, 'Tick, tock' is a very good one. It is the main eye catcher is on the 'tick, tock' and it really brings out the feelings in you.

"happiness must be a lie."
This line, however gives the feeling that the writer is unsure. The reader gets the feeling that the writer is confused as to whether happiness is a lie or not. If you wanted happiness to BE a lie, then as simplyfrigid said, it best be concrete.

"to get me through the day."
In this line, I disagree with simplyfrigid.
I think 'the day' is better than 'this day' because 'this day' infers that it only helped the writer through only ONE day, which is only today, and won't be there tomorrow.

"it was time to die."
In this line, it better stay as is. The extra word doesn't make the line flow better.

Sorry for opposing simplyfrigid. 5/5 the flow is very natural in this poem.

Your poem had flow. i did like the repetitive use of "tick, tock".
my favorite thing about this poem, or with poetry in general [which i feel as though you achieve well], is that the poem leaves a lot of interpretation up to the reader. Nothing is straight out said, it is rather implied. I also think you did a great job keeping rhythm throughout your poem.
it was simple. not bad.

I thought it was alright, of course your poetry isn't going to be just totally "wow" or amazing after you just get off from having writers block for like a month. This piece was decent though, I thought that it was well done, it was pretty simple, but the repetition of tick tock tick tock was a great touch and helped with the flow quite a lot. You did a good job, simple. 5/5.

I think this piece is well written, it was simple enough to understand. But your repetition "Tick Tock Tick Tock" was excellent

5/5