Comments : Shattered Hearts on Hardwood Floors

  • 13 years ago

    by Inside the Liar

    Very nice. I liked this one a lot. I can relate a little bit to the feelings of rememberance. This bit was my favorite:
    "Those three words don't mean much these days
    saying goodbye hurts in the worst ways.
    Tears are starting to fall from our eyes
    but our hearts can no longer take the lies."
    The first two lines of this stanza were my favorite lines in the poem. I thought it was perfectly lovely. 5/5

  • 13 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    Aww hun, this is really sad.. I truly hope that this isnt true.. saying goodbye is soo hard to do. Your title.. was amazing! It really captured my attention and lured me in.. the poem was simple yet the reader really was hit with the pure sadness of knowing this person has to say goodbye to the one she once loved, and probably still does. Well done.

    Simple yet.. well done.
    5/5.

  • 13 years ago

    by Nicole the Fairy

    Okay Bree. Well, here goes! =)
    Ugh I think I might cry when re-reading this! LOL.
    I love it.. but I wanna comment properly. :)

    Stanza 1:
    "I can feel it deep within my heart
    this once shared love is falling apart.
    There's nothing we can do anymore
    our hearts are shattered on the floor."

    -- The first two lines set the mood automatically for me, and the following two lines create such a vivid image in my mind.. and the metaphor used is just flawless. Very well done. I sense such sadness, "There's nothing we can do anymore" > to me it feels as if you/you both have given up, and it leaves such a weight on my heart to think you, Bree, are giving up, whether it resembles real life events or is just in your mind and imagination. It has so given me this sad mood, and think it is very well written.

    Stanza 2:
    "Those three words don't mean much these days
    saying goodbye hurts in the worst ways.
    Tears are starting to fall from our eyes
    but our hearts can no longer take the lies."

    -- "those three words" so original... very well done.. I know what these three words are (I Love You) and how you have started this stanza with that sentence is such beauty and kudos to you hun. The flow is still magnificant, and eventhough it feels so simple, it is just brilliant, and fits perfect with this poem. Very well done. I love it.

    Stanza 3:
    "We know exactly what we have to do
    I'm scared and I know you are, too.
    The truth always comes out, though
    just close the curtain, end the show."

    -- Wow Bree. this stanza is flawless. Everything seems to perfect! 'we know exactly what we have to do'.. it makes me cry and know that you have to end it, and it is just such a shame, that it is just so beautiful. "I'm scared and I know you are, too" > very well written, it gives me the shakes too just picturing you saying/telling him goodbye/that your finished. it is just beautiful Bree, absolutely beautiful.
    The flow, still, is in perfect condition, and I love this writing technique with you Bree, AABB. Its soo simple, yet elegant, and it ties in perfect with the mood and the simplicity of your words.

    Stanza 4:
    "It's gonna kill me to be so far away
    but we must look forward to a brighter day.
    Here comes the flashback of you saying "hi"
    but in reality, we're both saying "goodbye"."

    -- Okay Bree, now I am seriously crying! "it's gonna kill me to be so far away" -> okay, so obviously it is a relationship which cant happen because of the distance between your hearts. I know its hard, because I've been there and done that.. all over again and again. It can work, Bree, all you need is LOVE =) Eventhough, in your poem, you mention about the 'flashback' of saying "hi", and you really believe it is "goodbye", I still think there is hope for this girl in the poem. She deserves every chance to have a prince, and she shouldn't give up. These last two lines are just flawless, and this poem is by far my most favouritest poem.. ever. Mainly because it really hits home, and know that Bree Coulter wrote this, because this can't be her heart speaking. It would be in the "LOVE POEMS" section, if it were her heart. Speak from your heart Bree, and the ending will be unimaginable.

    As above. My favouritest.

    Well done, Bree. Everything was perfect. Flawless. Beautiful. Elegant. Simple.

    Well done, and write from your heart.

    Best of luck,

    Definately 5 / 5

    - Nicole

    xox

  • 13 years ago

    by Sourav

    It's heartfelt and very simply written. A sad write. Well done!

  • 13 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    Such a beautiful piece and so hearfelt...

    I could feel that one part of you wants to turn back to the past and the other part is struggling to cope with the present situation... your describes your emotions so well...

    Here comes the flashback of you saying "hi"
    but in reality, we're both saying "goodbye".
    ^^ very touching

    well written keep writing..

  • 13 years ago

    by Sourav

    It's good in parts and what I feel it's lacking strong lines. All the lines are emotional but lack the punch. That's what I think. Overall it's nice.

  • 13 years ago

    by The Prince

    Haven't read your work in a while...

    'I can feel it deep within my heart
    this once shared love is falling apart.
    There's nothing we can do anymore
    our hearts are shattered on the floor.'

    try to avoid such cliched rhymes as these, they're not needed to evoke sadness, the words that precede them are strong enough. I admire your simplicity though, and I get a sense that this is a deeply personal poem, I often let that get in the way of my linguistics.

    'Those three words don't mean much these days
    saying goodbye hurts in the worst ways.
    Tears are starting to fall from our eyes
    but our hearts can no longer take the lies'

    This stanza was better, you're blunt in your message, and the idea of combined feelings was nice, like you're soulmates with this person.

    'We know exactly what we have to do
    I'm scared and I know you are, too.
    The truth always comes out, though
    just close the curtain, end the show'

    I liked what you were doing here, the second line was very nice, and it's followed by a great couplet that work together to form a nice strong stanza. I also admire your use of punctuation, so many people on this site don't use it properly haha. :]

    'It's gonna kill me to be so far away
    but we must look forward to a brighter day.
    Here comes the flashback of you saying "hi"
    but in reality, we're both saying "goodbye".'

    I think that the third stanza would make a more effective closer than the fourth. The 'hi' and 'goodbye', doesn't evoke sadness to me, whereas the stanza above, does. There'd be no harm in rearranging them.

    Well done though

  • 13 years ago

    by Saving Grace

    In some way i can relate to this. I can understand the way it feels saying goodbye, it really sucks. But it was a great write, it flowed well and you kept the rhyme scheme going through out the entire piece. Very emotional and powerful. Keep it up. 5/5