I wil admit the flow and expression of this piece are good ,
but you made like fatal errors for a reader eye it is not good if you do like 1 block of poetry the eye will get tired try decomposing to stansaz

and the rhyming was very weak , it can be better with a bit of an effort!!

great one

I like how you expressed it and I'm guessing it's somewhat about a long distance relationship? Good work(: