Comments : Locked Away

  • 15 years ago

    by Cotton Candy Clouds

    It's getting dark,
    Too dark to see,
    My demons have apeared,
    They won't stop burning me.
    ^^ first the word "apeared" is spelled wrong :x ! it should be appeared : ) for the last line instead of burning i would find a different adjective that one didn't feel right to me! maybe like haunting or tormenting :) something to convey a different vibe instead of what i felt was literal burning
    Other than that though you have short lines which I thought was pretty amazing because you made them speak louder than long sentences would have by the way you constructed this stanza

    The skeletons in my closet,
    Aren't in there anymore,
    It's like I unleashed Pandora's box,
    A storm's brewing, The hails about to pour.
    ^^last line maybe make it "a storm's brewing and the hail is about to pour" i feel it helps the flow a little better !
    other than that you raise an interesting idea here you approached the skeleton thing very well but maybe some contortion of the words there would make it better i feel the first two lines where powerful but haven't reached their full potential yet
    i suggest this:
    "The skeleton's that once dwelled in my closet
    have discovered it to be more pleasing to explore."

    They chase me around,
    I've created my own horror flick,
    Except they won't die,
    It's such a horrible pick.
    ^^hm..such a great start!! so you need help with the last line?! i agree it sounds to generic compared to the rest of your poem ! i mean you have such original material here
    maybe this ?:
    "who allowed them to be so slick?"

    I'm running around in circles,
    My past just won't disappear,
    Everything is out in the open,
    I have to face my biggest fear.
    ^^such a relate able stanza!! i mean when you can relate to your reader it is powerful we are drawn in and captivated because we feel a personal connection to your words! I think this is very clever i mean you can't get rid of your past and to make it worse it has stuck around to torment you

    My energy has been sucked dry,
    On my life and sole they prey,
    There's nothing else I can do,
    So I gather them up and lock them away.
    ^^great ending!!! i didn't see it coming i thought finally you were going to find a way to just make them leave but this was better because it is more realistic your past will ALWAYS be there no matter how bad you want it to go away

    I think i have stated what i wanted to : ) great job hope i helped! 5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "It's getting dark,
    Too dark to see,
    My demons have appeared,
    They won't stop burning me."

    A very eye-catching opening, with good descriptions that grab the reader, but maybe change "dark" in the second line, to "dim" or "gloomy" just because repeating "dark" ruined it for me a bit.

    "The skeletons in my closet,
    Aren't in there anymore,
    It's like I unleashed Pandora's box,
    A storm's brewing and the hail is about to pour."

    Excellent wording! I am blown away by your imagery and the in-deepthness that is here.

    "They chase me around,
    I've created my own horror flick,
    Except they won't die,
    Who allowed them to play such tricks."

    In the first line: I think you could change it to this: "They continuously chase me around,"

    "I'm running around in circles,
    My past just won't disappear,
    Everything is out in the open,
    I have to face my biggest fear."

    Nice rhyming and the flow here is flawless, you really make the reader feel what's going on.

    "My energy has been sucked dry,
    On my life and sole they prey,
    There's nothing else I can do,
    So I gather them up and lock them away."

    Good ending, throughout this poem, I was very entranced in your words, and you took me on a journey. 5/5 from me, take care and God Bless!