Comments : Unable To Capture

  • 15 years ago

    by ether

    You need to fix this. Either 1. Add punctuation to make the poem a little less disjointed. Or 2. Make the lines even so they flow better, for example:
    These words I write,
    The struggle to fit,
    The clock says it's after eight tonight,
    My heart is beating,
    The lungs behind my rib's protection,
    etcetc.

    Having short lines so broken up like you have in this only work if you have good punctuation at the end of lines or if they rhyme to create a good rhythm.

    Aside from that,
    "Brian waves flaring"
    Brain*

    There are too many filler words in this poem, too, it drags the poem out a lot.
    As in
    "Tiring of this thing
    I'm confused to what
    I'm really trying to say
    I'm happy that I'm here"
    Could be:
    "Tiring of this,
    Confused as to what
    I'm trying to say
    Happy that I'm here"
    Shorter. Simpler. Easier to read.

    Also, within the poem I think you bought up the idea of writing a few too many times, the repetition is a little more dull than refreshing.

    /negative.

    Now, for the good stuff :]
    I liked this a quite a bit because it was semi-apathetic yet still had a heavy meaning, which I adore. And there were a few times within the poem where I felt myself be dragged in to your words.
    "Moon taking it's guard"
    I like that metaphor a lot.
    You have a way with words, I can tell. Just sort out those filler words in the future and you'll be a darn solid writer.
    This is more of a 5 than a 4 poem, so good job. Sorry, I really do have a habit of making the comments seem more negative than they should be.
    5/5

    jess ~

  • 15 years ago

    by Cotton Candy Clouds

    Ok first : 0 i looked at your poem when i opened it and felt overwhelmed maybe separate it into stanzas? it really helps the reader when it is all combined like that it looks like its going to be work to read it and you dont want that : )

    Now about your poem ! ::

    These words I write
    The struggle to fit
    The clock says it's
    After eight tonight
    ^^in the second line i think it it would sound better if you changed "the' to "they" i had to re read it a couple times actually I liked how you were taking the reader through the process you went through it made me feel involved and like i was watching you ((not in a creepy way))

    My heart is beating
    The lungs behind
    My rib's protection
    Pumping in oxygen
    ^^i would put line four as line two and just move them all down like this
    "My heart is beating
    Pumping in oxygen
    My lungs behind
    My rib's protection"
    It sounds like it flows better this way that way all the stuff about the heart is together and the things about the lungs are together
    I liked how you focused onto something intricate that was happening with you it was actually very affective

    Lips still moist
    Brian waves flaring
    Mind activity blaring
    Yet these words
    They don't express
    ^^ you put something that is usually taken to be said in a cliche way and made it powerful...i like that : ) it was very clever and showed that you are a great writer!

    It fails to say
    Anything I wish
    My emotions still
    Swirling thoughtlessly
    It's been three minutes
    Time going past
    ^^ i feel like it should say "time's still going past" or something the way you have it seems just a bit incomplete other than that i love the adjectives you used here especially "swirling" it gave this part the extra umph it needed : )

    I can't really tell you
    My poetry doesn't
    Capture my soul
    It's an essence that's
    Unique in every way
    ^^amen sister!!! i agree i can never find words to describe my feelings it's not possible you can't put what you are feeling into words there are no words for it someone has to have felt before what you are feeling in order to even begin to relate !

    It's like capturing
    The evening breeze
    In a Kodak picture
    All you see there
    Is just a still glance
    No movement
    ^^ wow...effective and unique comparison here i thought that was brilliant! honestly it was i mean you proved your point in a creative visual way that everyone can understand i mean who hasn't heard "it's a Kodak moment" ? no one! : ) so you used a simple yet so unique way of describing your point

    I continue to write
    Telling of this life
    But you understand
    Nothing about me
    In these words I type
    My eyes are blue
    My hair is different
    Now you know something
    ^^haha that made me laugh now you know something...that was very like sort of sarcastic actually like oh you thought you knew me...no now you know a little something about me i liked this part : )

    But poetry captures
    An image of beauty
    All in perfecting quiet
    This musn't be poetry
    Still no image in the write
    ^^ maybe change "musn't" to "must not" it will sound more professional like the rest of the poem it kinda threw the flow off for me!

    Maybe you will see
    Me sitting at the desk
    Typing, writing, working
    Or try to see inside
    The mind of silly words
    I cram and pack
    But the effect is lost
    ^^i agree!! i mean you can't put what you are into words the poems you write no one will ever be able to fully understand except you! i mean they are your words that you chose to try and express your emotions i liked the adjectives you used here like "silly" and "cram" they gave the perfect effect

    You can't translate the
    Simple ramble into
    Thoughts or pictures
    But it's here,
    Still going, on and on
    Tiring of this thing
    ^^should "tiring" be tired? it would sound alot better if you ask me : )

    I'm confused to what
    I'm really trying to say
    I'm happy that I'm here
    But sad to see this day
    ^^aww...why are you sad?! ((it's good to have the reader asking questions it makes them more involved into your poem and helps keep them involved in your words because they feel like personally it relates to them))

    It's going into the night
    Moon taking it's guard
    Light has lost the fight
    And I'm wishing I could play
    ^^ i like the transformation here you take us from where you were and what you were doing, than you take us through a journey in your mind, now you are describing the atmosphere
    that was good : )

    Dreams become hopeless
    Time is still meaningless
    These words mean nothing
    But to me,
    They are my soul
    Restless and still
    Sitting on the window sill
    Waiting.
    Just waiting.
    ^^ i think the repetition here was good and helped make your point usually i am against repetition back to back like that but you pulled it off well : ) It seemed like you took us to a more depressing or sad mood here idk if i got your vibe right but i think i did : )

    I told you it's a struggle
    They still aren't making fit
    I tried. It's now up to you
    This writing is yours
    To ponder and interpret
    So I shall close it now
    My mind activity quiets
    My heartbeat starts to slow
    Take good care,
    I've left me soul with you
    ^^ the last line has an error :x me should be "my" it's ok : ) i make those booboos too! i like how you went back to the beginning where you talked about making the words fit it made the poem seem whole and like it was wrapped up and official

    overall i mean great poem! i think you did an amazing job : ) 5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Princess of snow

    This is a beautiful piece. It's very thought provoking and expressive. I love your comparison of kodak and poetry. I give this
    5/5. :)

    -fabulous work, keep it up.

  • 15 years ago

    by Saving Grace

    Wow. Very descriptive and powerful. Very interesting write i think. Youve done an excellent job. i enjoyed the read. 5/5