Comments : To Let Go, To Hold On (Collab with Man of Steel)

  • 12 years ago

    by Broken Masquerade

    Omg.. I love it! and I can completely relate to it too. Its has so much emotion, written so well.

    "Reminiscing of once a peaceful time
    I can feel your warm gentle touch
    Caressing my body with love
    I never thought that I'd miss you this much"
    ^I was almost in tears at that part, so amazing.

    You are an incredible writer, and i'm looking forward to reading more of your poems =D Cause this one was so good =]

    5/5 for suree
    xx

  • 12 years ago

    by Independence Forever

    Very nice, good flow and imagery it really kept me reading, not necessarily to see how it ends but also to see everything inbetween.

    Your Servant:
    D. Johnson.

  • 12 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    "I'm lost in this world without you
    And the days go by and it seems like years
    And all this time passing
    You would think it would surly dry these tears"

    ^^ Surly-surely

    I liked this opening as there was emotion within the written lines however I didn't like that you used fillers straight from the start, maybe try eliminating some of them, and it will flow even better.

    "But gravity seems to claim
    All these tears that have fallen through the years
    It kills to know the way we had to let it go
    To lose you is to to never love again"

    ^^Beautiful stanza! The emotion and depth in this stanza is incredible, really touching and heartfelt and tugs on the readers heartstrings.

    "Reminiscing of once a peaceful time
    I can feel your warm gentle touch
    Caressing my body with love
    I never thought that I'd miss you this much"

    ^^The constant use of "I" threw me a little, maybe :

    Reminiscing of once a peaceful time
    Feeling your warm gentle touch
    Caressing my body with love
    Never thought that I'd miss you this much

    "Starting to feel the way we hate
    And hate the way we feel
    Falling further from each other
    Falling in love was so surreal

    But now that it's gone
    It will never be the same
    I gasped it all in
    At night I still call your name "

    ^^favourite stanzas of the piece so far. The emotion and depth in these two stanzas alone is almost as powerful as the rest of the piece put together, it always hurts when something ends and you portray that well here.

    "How do You,
    How do I,
    How do We,
    Keep our love from falling out of Reach"

    ^^I was thrown here because so far there has been a fixed rhyme scheme and all of a sudden there's none at all, and it throws the flow majorly.

    "And I just want you back
    But I know we have to be strong
    And when times get to hard to handle,
    we have to remember for each other we have to hold on"

    ^^ I found the flow to be of in this stanza. Maybe :

    "All I want is to have you back
    But I know that we have to be strong
    And when times get to hard to handle,
    Remember for each other we're holdin on

    or something along those lines, it's mostly just the last line that needs fixing up a little.

    "I wish I could capture our Love in this moment
    I pray that this rain won't wash it all away
    Memories that you and I've made is the only safe place
    We'll Guard them forever our memories our hearts treasures"

    ^^ Love the imagery in this stanza.

    "I'd give my all
    to take it back
    That awful word "goodbye"
    In my heart, your something that I lack"

    ^^Again I found the flow in the last line to be of, maybe try shortening it to match the other syllable count?

    "I hate what I've done
    By not letting go I've hurt "my only one"
    And hurting the one I love, + you
    Its a place I will not go
    anymore:...."

    ^^I'm not to sure on this closing, the fact that every other stanza is four lines while this is five throws the flow of, maybe try adding more to make it into two stanzas?

    That being said, I really enjoyed this.

  • 12 years ago

    by BREEawNUHH

    First: right away, I'm not a fan of the appearance. The length of lines vary too much, so I really think you should work on that. Most of the time when a poem has a million different line lengths, I find that the flow is off.

    "I'm lost in this world without you
    And the days go by and it seems like years
    And all this time passing
    You would think it would surly dry these tears"

    = Kinda plain, to be honest. I'm not a fan of the vocabulary- jazz it up; it'll make all the difference. Oh, "surly" should be "surely"; "surly" and "surely" mean two different things.

    "But gravity seems to claim
    All these tears that have fallen through the years
    It kills to know the way we had to let it go
    To lose you is to to never love again"

    = Where's your rhyme? You rhymed in the first stanza and the following, but "years" & "again" don't rhyme.

    "Reminiscing of once a peaceful time
    I can feel your warm gentle touch
    Caressing my body with love
    I never thought that I'd miss you this much"

    = I like this stanza. The flow is pretty good, and the rhymes work.

    "Starting to feel the way we hate
    And hate the way we feel
    Falling further from each other
    Falling in love was so surreal"

    = Too much repetition, in my opinion. "hate the way we feel" - "feel the way we hate" and "falling" x2.

    "But now that it's gone
    It will never be the same
    I gasped it all in
    At night I still call your name"

    = This is alright, just bland. There's nothing special that stands out. :(

    "How do You,
    How do I,
    How do We,
    Keep our love from falling out of Reach"

    = "you" doesn't need to be capitalized, "we" doesn't need to be capitalized, and "reach" doesn't need to be capitalized. & once again- no rhymes here. :(

    "And I just want you back
    But I know we have to be strong
    And when times get to hard to handle,
    we have to remember for each other we have to hold on"

    = Flow is off, due to the last line being so much longer than the rest of the stanza. It's really important that you make sure the flow is on point.

    "I wish I could capture our Love in this moment
    I pray that this rain won't wash it all away
    Memories that you and I've made is the only safe place
    We'll Guard them forever our memories our hearts treasures"

    = "love" doesn't need to be capitalized, and "guard" doesn't need to be capitalized. & there are no rhymes. Keeping your rhymes constant is important, too. Rhyme or don't rhyme- don't go in and out. =/

    "I'd give my all
    to take it back
    That awful word "goodbye"
    In my heart, your something that I lack"

    = last line: "your" should be "you're" (you're = you are = "you are something..")

    "I hate what I've done
    By not letting go I've hurt "my only one"
    And hurting the one I love, + you
    Its a place I will not go
    anymore:...."

    = Why does this stanza have 5 lines when the rest have four? =/ & why is there a + before "you"? I'm confused.

    Overall; it needs work. Keep writing and you'll get better. :)

    ``Briana

  • 12 years ago

    by Steady Stereotype

    This poem began rather slowly I must admit, and I found it slightly difficult to conscentrate on the words, until it reached the third stanza and it really began to pick up the pace. Because this poem was as long as it was, it was more difficult to have the readers attention the whole time. Though also because that it WAS so long you were able to express this fully. Win some, lose some.

    There were really some creative moment here where you made some verses that were indeed something I hadn't seen before.

    "Starting to feel the way we hate
    And hate the way we feel
    Falling further from each other
    Falling in love was so surreal"

    This was my favorite verse. The flow here was absolutely superb. Your poetry has a lot of flow and rythym though in some places it sort of trails off.

    "How do You,
    How do I,
    How do We,
    Keep our love from falling out of Reach"

    ^I personally liked the use of repetition here. It was very powerful, and I'm happy you hadn't repeated it a third time because then it would have been overused.

    "I hate what I've done
    By not letting go I've hurt "my only one"
    And hurting the one I love, + you
    Its a place I will not go
    anymore:...."

    ^This ending I didn't completely understand your usage of the colon(sp?) and periods. Well, just the colon. I do understand and rather liked the three periods. As if you had something to add to that, but just didn't know what. Though that style is slightly overused so maybe you were trying to get away from that? 4.5/5