Easier to use rhyme in a song don't you think? The fact it's based on a true story makes it more personal. You can feel this through the tone. I can actually hear most of this being sang out actually. I suppose cliches like
'With every truth behind each of his lies'
Can be overlooked. Since people relate to cliche.
I liked the chorus, I'm guessing a fast tempo chorus? Just from the way the words are phrased.
'A Valentine's left buried in the dust'
Could pick a better way to describe it. 'Buried in the dust' is overused, I think.
Liked the ending of the verse though, some strong and striking phrases there. And I liked how the middle eight was quite short and to the point. Lyrics need that immediacy and communication.
Good lyrics, I feel. It's hard to comment on lyrics since they get away with a lot, but I enjoyed this, and it'd be interesting to hear a finished piece with music.
-- I really love the chours, mainly, because I can really feel a melody there, even when there's no music, and that's kind of hard to do.
Hiding beneath bed frames shaking
-- I don't know why this line stands out to me so much. Well... actually, I think I do. I think it's because when I get really upset.. I like to be in really small place, because it kind of feels like you're being hugged. That probably really doesn't make sense, but I sometimes hide under my bed when I'm upset, or even when I just want to think. It's a nice place to be.. like you're hiding from the world. Wow.. I'm like rambling.. ><
Left behind on threads to thin to dwell
-- The first "to" should be "too". Really loved that line though. It's like if you dwell on it for too long, then the thread will break, so you've just got to move on and not think about it.
As I tear the piece of cardboard into two
-- This line.. I'm not sure if I really like the last part where you put "into two". It just seems like too many to's. lol. Maybe just change it to.. "As I tear the piece of cardboard into"?
'Said he was punished when we were through
-- This one confuses me.. I really love the word "punished" cause you don't really hear it in poerty type things.. but I don't get why he was punished, or how he was punished, if that makes sense.
The overall emotion in this song was so so strong. I could feel how desprate you were to just forget about him, and to just be strong. It's hard to be strong when you're completely falling apart. I know that, as I'm sure most people do, but the raw emotion really made the song real. Since you said this was based on a true story.. I'm assuming it's about you or someone you know.. I'm sorry this happened to you or them, but just stay strong.
I think you did an excellent job on this song. Songs don't have to rhyme and are often laiden with words or phrases deemed cliche, people do it all the time and frankly, I think it makes the rhythm of the piece more catchy and something many people can relate to, especially the many if not all of us who have experienced heartbreak at one time or another. This would sound great as a pop song/ Kelly Clarkson type....nice job!
Sorry my comment is comming a little late. I've had a lot of things come up but now I finally have some time on my hands. :]
First of all I loved the title! It captured my attention and made me eager to read on to the poem.
"Forgive me, he'll beg with his face
'Til my pause runs out and I'll answer yes"
^I loved how unique this was. It was a different spin on saying you're losing the will to say no and yes is easier to say. I liked the pause button affect because it was effective in revealing that it was temporary and the play would soon follow showing that your no isnt permanant. I dont know thats what I got from it haha.
"Phones will ring and it'll begin again"
^I loved how "begin again" sounded when I read it out loud. Very musical which works since these are lyrics.
"Left behind on threads to thin to dwell"
^I think it should be "too thin to dwell" or maybe you did mean "to" ...
"Blocking his touch from inside my mind."
^I love this line. It held so much meaning and said so much without using any complex vocabulary. I could feel the pain seeping through the words.
I really did enjoy these lyrics because they were packed with emotion and I could tell came straight from the heart. I read it with my own melody in my mind which made it that much more of a joy to read.
This is really powerful .. Having been cheated on , it really hit home . I understand what you mean when you talk about helping my poems with emotion .. Because your wording litterally makes my stomach twist and provoques alot of emotion . The half rhymes are barely even noticeable because they flow so nice .. These lyrics sound like something that would be sung by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus .. I dunno , it reminds me of Face Down by them . Really well done , 5/5 .