Comments : The X-Ray

  • 10 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Wow, an excellent write. I enjoyed the read. The flow was almost perfect and the structure was flawless. I made a few changes to your poem so the flow would be better.

    ````````

    Today I got an x-ray;
    they found you inside my heart.
    They told me that without you,
    I'd simply fall apart.
    The portion that holds you,
    Is much more than I can give.
    You may not be the best for me;
    but without you I can not live.

    `````````

    Overall a wonderful write. Keep up the great work.

    Peace, Joe

  • 10 years ago

    by The Prince

    I agree with what Joe said, your poem would be much better if you altered it to his suggestions.

  • 10 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Short, simple sweet. very beautiful poem. i loved it. nice work. keep it. Shanik

  • 10 years ago

    by Mask of Pain

    I Like it. It's short yet well wrote. I like the part "they found you inside my heart." I think it's cute really. LOL so good Job. I loved.
    Love, Music, Poems
    SafeInHisArms

  • 10 years ago

    by No Need For A Name

    This was amazing, and you should truly believe that because I hate love poems. But this just flows so simply, and is so simple, yet artful in its words. I truly have nothing to say that could possible make this any better. Thank you

    Peace and prosperity

  • 10 years ago

    by mysterious

    Aaaw...this peom is awesome, those few lines has capture exaclty what you were feeling in a nutshell.
    I like it! short and sweet. I love the anaolgy of the x-Ray too...great job!

  • 10 years ago

    by ASPHYXIATED

    First off, I found it to be a very simple write.
    This made the flow extremely natural and very conversational.

    `Today I got an x-ray ;
    They found you inside my heart .
    They told me that without you ,
    I'll just simply fall apart .

    I see Joes suggestion for the above and I agree to a degree but I think [I'd just simply fall apart] would flow better. The extra syllable really helps, in my opinion. It keeps it 7,7,7,7 ; Instead of 7,7,7,6.

    `The part of it that holds you ,
    Is much more than I can give .
    You may not be the best for me ;
    But without you I can't live .

    I think this is perfect as it is. The entire poem has something very simple about it, very natural. And I think if you try change this you'd lose that. The rhyme is very cliche, but it fits. Its in no way forced and I love that.

    Anyway, about the poem. I adore the idea of on xray of the heart. You're giving love a medical sense, taking the phrase "I need you to live" to a new extreme. I quite enjoyed that.
    Well done. (:

  • 10 years ago

    by AngelicDecadence

    Today I got an x-ray ;
    ^Good entrance, its captivating, and draws the reader in a bit
    They found you inside my heart .
    ^Now the curiosity begins. Good job.
    They told me that without you ,
    I'll just simply fall apart .
    ^In this line, I think instead of "I'll" you should you "I'd" It helps the flow i think, and since beforehand you were talking in past tense. As someone else previously said.
    The part of it that holds you ,
    Is much more than I can give .
    You may not be the best for me ;
    But without you I can't live .
    ^The last line here I didn't really like. I don't know why exactly though.

    Over all the idea of the poem was great and unique, i had a few problems with it but for the most part it was a good poem. The idea of it is very captivating. Amazing Job. you've impressed me. :]

  • 10 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    This is an outstanding love poem that would also look graet on a get well card

    5>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

  • 10 years ago

    by Faithless

    Ok this is something different. I like how you infuse love and X ray together. It think it works well here. I also find it original and unique.Though simple words was used here but you have conjoint it in away to make the meaning behind your poem , more meaningful.It was certainly a delightful to read.Keep it up

    Excellent Job
    5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Not Enough

    WOW... This is one of the best poems I have ever read. SERIOUSLY. I love it. Mainly because I can relate so well with it. But it has such a great flow. It's really catchy. Its absolutely amazing.

  • 10 years ago

    by On Cupids Bad Side

    This is such a cute poem, I loved it. It's simple but to the point :) A poem doesn't have to be lengthy and meaningful to be great. Good job :)

  • 10 years ago

    by LoreNz0

    Short and sweet, i love it.
    put a smile on my face, this piece shows good creativity.

  • 10 years ago

    by CanUKissAwayMyPain

    Today I got an x-ray ;
    They found you inside my heart .
    They told me that without you ,
    I'll just simply fall apart .

    ^awww... i truly love it. the flow was just amazing. your word were complety just touching simple but yet elgent. also amazing way of bring in the reader to it.

    The part of it that holds you ,
    Is much more than I can give .
    You may not be the best for me ;
    But without you I can't live .

    ^also love it. short but yet it said a lot n very meaningful. truly an amzing piece you wrote here. please do keep it up! =]
    5/5

    TaKe caRe,.
    Frenchy

  • 10 years ago

    by forevertobeart

    I feel like I have read this before, or something very similar to this. Possibly in a forwarded text, because I remember sending it to my boyfriend. Anyhow, it's cute. I don't have much else to say, I never was into love poems. Too cheesy for my liking.

  • 10 years ago

    by RobinAnn13

    Aww, very cute. Expressive for how short it is. Very unique, I liked it. Flow seemed a little off, although I checked the syllables and they were all the same except for the next to last line.
    I don't know, could just be me. I still really liked it though.
    5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Pesamenteiro

    It seems I cant say much more than what has already been said.
    Its an okay poem, but short, and that can go both ways.
    Its a very short and simple poem which is easy to read and doesnt overstimulate my brain like some poems do, you've gotten a lot of expression and emotion in such a short poem but it seems like there should be more to it. Maybe add a stanza or two if you could.

    Like some others have said, its not the most original piece, im sure there are quite a few out there just like this one, again, if you added a stanza or two to this piece you could make it stand out quite a bit more and make it more your own.
    Its got potential so far, Im sorry if i sound to harsh. :\
    4/5

    ~RayLeen

  • 10 years ago

    by Rolo

    I don't feel I can go into as much detail as others have in terms of feedback. Simply because most of it would be unnecessary. It was a very sweet and simple write. I liked it. So sorry it took me so long to read. But I'm glad I did :]

    -Rolo

  • 10 years ago

    by kelleyana

    This is so cute. Short and simple, but very well done. I like your writing styles. Keep it up 5/5, kel.