Comments : Secret Crush

  • 15 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "I'm tired of the secrets
    scared of the truth
    looking for the future
    forgetting the past"

    Good wording, filled with emotion, a nice opening to start the reader off with.

    "They say nothing ever last
    but i know that's a lie
    the rumors spread fast
    i know i cant say good-bye"

    First line: "last" should be plural.

    Second line: "i" should be "I".

    Third line: I think you could re-word to:
    "the rumors extend rapidly" Just because what you wrote I thought could be more descriptive.

    Fourth line: All of your "i"s should be capitalized, just proper grammar.

    "I have a secret crush
    once was a drunken kiss
    it felt like a rush
    that was full of bliss"

    Excellent wording here, but what threw the write off for me was that the rhyming pattern you use changes constantly, and it really disrupts the read for me. I would either stick to one whole rhyme pattern or just do no rhyming at all. You need to be consistent with it, so it doesn't confuse the reader so much.

    "I have a secret crush
    and that's no lie
    theirs no need to hush
    and i wont say good-bye"

    Third line: "theirs" should be "there's".

    Fourth line: "i" should be "I".
    "wont" should be "won't".

    "I'm tired of the secrets
    the truth should come out
    your my best friend
    and i have no regrets"

    Third line: "your" should be "you're".

    Fourth line: "i" should be "I".

    4/5 from me. There were a lot of grammar errors in your piece that I think you could go back and fix. In some area's, there needs to be more emotions and imagery, some of it just kept repeating and going on and on. I would just go back and work a bit on this, otherwise this was a good write! Take care and God Bless!

    Keep writing, always and forever...