Comments : Ignorance is this...

  • 10 years ago

    by Hollymariee

    Thinking that I had forgotten in the mind which is now rotten
    ^^ i dunno about this line .. I think the rhyme is kind of forced and I just don't like it .

    Fear arises, now impending; One step close to my ending
    ^^ Instead of close , I'd suggest closer . It sounds a bit better .

    Wait for me, my one adored, forgive me for all I've ignored
    ^^ Instead of I've I'd put I have , it flows better .

    With those small suggestions out of the way , I really loved it . It's extremely easy to relate to , and for the most part the flow is nothing but continuous and easy to read . I also really like the rhyme scheme . Really fantastic , 5/5 :)

  • Love the emotion of this poem. diction is perfect after the first stanza. the first stanza was a bit off for me. it was confusing and it seemed like you were trying to organize your thoughts while writing. you should do that before the poem. the fist stanza along with the poem is what makes a reader want to read it. the rest was perfect and great. it has a lot of potential and emotion. paints a sad, but beautiful image in my mind.
    keep it up!

    Ada
    (aBSwaBHiaPL)

  • 10 years ago

    by No Need For A Name

    Nothing I could say could really help improvment. Excellent poem, great emotion, strong theme and great flow. Good job.

    Peace and prosperity,

    (RKD)

  • 10 years ago

    by H E Losey

    I must agree that some of your lines/rhymes read as forced. Often it is just the case of a better word ie: "burning through its brush with ember", "brush as an ember"
    "bells of pity sound its ringing"
    either "bell" or "their"
    "forgive me for all I've ignored" "all that I"
    Just my thoughts and opinion.

  • 10 years ago

    by Wake Me Up

    Here I dream while sorrow's singing, bells of pity sound its ringing
    Harsher than I once remember, burning through its brush with ember
    Faces that I can't recall, your memory: not there at all
    Loving, laughing, wishing, dying, none of which are underlying.
    ^^^
    It was hard to get the rythm at first. I had to read the first two lines over and over again to get. But after I understood it, it was fine. I like the first two lines and i love the 3rd line.

    I saw your love without emotion, peering through its false devotion
    All your beauty in disguise; the look with which you mesmerize
    Thinking that I had forgotten in the mind which is now rotten
    Missing you is not a chore but something never done before.
    ^^^
    First line flowed beautifully. But the last two lines seemed kind of forced to put out. Just a couple of the words did.

    Tears are streaming in confusion, such an act of disillusion
    Now aware of all exposure, keeping still without composure
    All my fuel has run dry; I never knew you said goodbye
    Holding on to new found hate, ripping as I separate.
    ^^^^
    I love this whole stanza right here. I can feel all the emotion in it. And i can feel like i can relate.

    I plead to you, the stars above, return to me my one true love
    For so long I had not known, all this time I've been alone
    Fear arises, now impending; One step close to my ending
    On my knees I scream my claim, echoed with a voice of shame.
    ^^^
    Im not sure how describe the first line, it seemed forced, but it flowed very well, it's hard to explain. But again very good stanza, i feel all the emotion put into it.

    Loving, laughing, wishing, dying, one of which is now applying
    Wait for me, my one adored, forgive me for all I've ignored
    Hear the things you once said, before you left me here for dead
    And smile though it may be wrong, for now I'm right where I belong
    ^^^
    I really like how creative you were in the first line. And you ended this poem beautifully.

    The poem was pretty good. I had to read the beginning a couple times to understand your rythm but once i got, i was glad you didn't change it. The first stanza was good, but i felt it could have been a little better. The second was fair, it didn't really have any punch to it. BUt the last 3 stanzas were great, I could feel the emotion in them, and I felt like i could relate. Overall, it was good

  • 10 years ago

    by anonymous lover

    Here I dream while sorrow's singing, bells of pity sound its ringing
    Harsher than I once remember, burning through its brush with ember
    Faces that I can't recall, your memory: not there at all
    Loving, laughing, wishing, dying, none of which are underlying.

    I think it's a really nice way of starting your poem. The flow is very nice and the rhyme is very interesting.

    I saw your love without emotion, peering through its false devotion
    All your beauty in disguise; the look with which you mesmerize
    Thinking that I had forgotten in the mind which is now rotten
    Missing you is not a chore but something never done before.

    I think here you started the stanza really nicely, but the ending seems a little weird to me. When you said

    "Thinking that I had forgotten in the mind which is now rotten"

    it seemed a little forced to me. I'm wondering if it wouldn't have been better, putting it in a different place or changing the words slightly.

    Tears are streaming in confusion, such an act of disillusion
    Now aware of all exposure, keeping still without composure
    All my fuel has run dry; I never knew you said goodbye
    Holding on to new found hate, ripping as I separate.

    Here I don't have anything to critizise. I love the whole meaning of the stanza! Very good job!!

    I plead to you, the stars above, return to me my one true love
    For so long I had not known, all this time I've been alone
    Fear arises, now impending; One step close to my ending
    On my knees I scream my claim, echoed with a voice of shame.

    Also for this stanza I don't have anything negative to say. Again, you were able to express your emotions very well.

    Loving, laughing, wishing, dying, one of which is now applying
    Wait for me, my one adored, forgive me for all I've ignored
    Hear the things you once said, before you left me here for dead
    And smile though it may be wrong, for now I'm right where I belong.

    I love how you repeated the last line from the first stanza in here. I think it's a very good line - probably even the best one.

    I think in total you did a very good work. Maybe you could have changed some parts in the second stanza but overall it's pretty decent.

  • 10 years ago

    by CanUKissAwayMyPain

    Here I dream while sorrow's singing, bells of pity sound its ringing
    Harsher than I once remember, burning through its brush with ember
    Faces that I can't recall, your memory: not there at all
    Loving, laughing, wishing, dying, none of which are underlying.

    ^sorta lost me wen i first began reading it. i think the flow was a bit off. but i read it again i understood. it is a nice way of openin your poem here.

    I saw your love without emotion, peering through its false devotion
    All your beauty in disguise; the look with which you mesmerize
    Thinking that I had forgotten in the mind which is now rotten
    Missing you is not a chore but something never done before.

    ^to tell you i dnt know 1 words ur rote here. my vocabulary is very low n it sucks. but im guessing what they meant. i hope i got them right tho. i like the lasy line u rote here. it truly did say a lot to me.

    Tears are streaming in confusion, such an act of disillusion
    Now aware of all exposure, keeping still without composure
    All my fuel has run dry; I never knew you said goodbye
    Holding on to new found hate, ripping as I separate.

    ^wow amazing lines you rote here. bery imaginie indeed. i wouldnt change a thing here.

    I plead to you, the stars above, return to me my one true love
    For so long I had not known, all this time I've been alone
    Fear arises, now impending; One step close to my ending
    On my knees I scream my claim, echoed with a voice of shame.

    ^My favrotie favorite part of your poem. the flow was just amazing. the words where just powerful i lubit!!! =]

    Loving, laughing, wishing, dying, one of which is now applying
    Wait for me, my one adored, forgive me for all I've ignored
    Hear the things you once said, before you left me here for dead
    And smile though it may be wrong, for now I'm right where I belong

    ^lovely way of ending your poem. i wouldnt change a thing in here. i love it. but my favorite part just it realie touched me. amazing job indeed. keep it up!!

    TaKe CaRe,
    Frenchy

  • 10 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Here I dream while sorrow's singing, bells of pity sound its ringing
    Harsher than I once remember, burning through its brush with ember
    Faces that I can't recall, your memory: not there at all
    Loving, laughing, wishing, dying, none of which are underlying.

    (Wow very beautiful start. i love the imagery, personification, both are good elements. nice)

    I saw your love without emotion, peering through its false devotion
    All your beauty in disguise; the look with which you mesmerize
    Thinking that I had forgotten in the mind which is now rotten
    Missing you is not a chore but something never done before.

    (great diction here, it gives the poem a very powerful effect)

    Tears are streaming in confusion, such an act of disillusion
    Now aware of all exposure, keeping still without composure
    All my fuel has run dry; I never knew you said goodbye
    Holding on to new found hate, ripping as I separate.

    (wow, another great stanza, this part makes me feel your pain. very emotional.

    I plead to you, the stars above, return to me my one true love
    For so long I had not known, all this time I've been alone
    Fear arises, now impending; One step close to my ending
    On my knees I scream my claim, echoed with a voice of shame.

    (this part is beautiful.)

    Loving, laughing, wishing, dying, one of which is now applying
    Wait for me, my one adored, forgive me for all I've ignored
    Hear the things you once said, before you left me here for dead
    And smile though it may be wrong, for now I'm right where I belong.

    Wow *claps for you* this poem was amzaing. i loved everything about it. very emotinal and it flows well too. very nice work. Shanik

  • 10 years ago

    by FlawlesslyTarnished

    This piece literally gave e goosebumps. lol It was amazingly written. The flow was almost perfect; a couple lines seemed forced. And I was just so into the poem, I was sad when it ended. :D But anyway. This piece was sad, and all the emotions were flooding off each word as I read. And the ending was a perfect finish. 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    I like the opening stanza, it flows well and the story is well written. I thought it odd that you stretched out the lines as long as you did. It seems to sound better to me if you seperate the lines into the ABCB rhyme scheme. I know you used the internal rhyme scheme, but it really just felt like you made the lines longer to force the rhyming.
    Example:

    "Here I dream while sorrow's singing, bells of pity sound thier ringing"

    "Here I dream while sorrow's singing,
    bells of pity sound thier ringing"

    The ways its written, I thought the lines were too long.

    Moving on, the second stanza has a lot of great and powerful words like EMOTION and DEVITION and EXPOSURE and COMPOSURE. These words all a lot of meaning to the poem. Good job. In the first line of this stanza, i was confused a little. The LOVE WITHOUT EMOTION was too hard for me to imagine. Love is an emotion, so the imagery conflicts the words.

    The next three stanzas are still well written. I really enjoyed the opening line of the closing stanza; it was really powerful.

    Overall, i enjoyed reading the poem and it was well written as a story. I found the imagery pretty rough though. The poem was pretty random; it didnt seem to follow a logical path from start to end, but rather jumped from line to line. This is not a bad thing, but it makes the reader lose the imagery.

    I would rate a strong 4, but declined to leave a vote. I didnt want to bring your rating down.

    Hopefully I didnt come across too harshly, but I am an honest comment-er.

  • 9 years ago

    by SheenaMarie

    Great write...strong...5/5

  • 7 years ago

    by Lucy

    Wonderful poem. Loved the rhyme and flow, as well as the imagery including personification, vivid vocabulary, etc. Very touching and sad, but extremely beautiful. Thanks for writing :)