Comments : Thine eyne incliped fair anight

  • 12 years ago

    by Armada the Gestalt

    Well whaddaya know. An old Shakespeare like poem. I won't read the translated version because it'd lose the charm.

    Lemme re-read.

    Hmm... Yeah. I like it. Very rich and thick and creamy (err), but soft, gentle, like a pillow - or the breast of a lover, I think.

    I don't understand ALL of it, though I get enough. It's like a summer's evening, warm and inviting. The rhythm moves nicely in a way, it sort of... drifts from word to word, as if in a dream.

    In short I can't find anything wrong with it, except 'stilly welkin'. I forget what it means, but the actual words are a little harsh for me, they sort of bring it from this floral wreath into a very oceanic, YARR kind of tone, by the sound of them. Just a personal thought.

    But yeah I can't find much wrong wth it to well done, can't say I'd do that well myself.

  • 12 years ago

    by Aureus Argentum

    *sigh* you are so awesome. You have a true gift. Don't lose that, ever. If there is one thing that I am completely sure of, it is that you'll go far with your gift. :) Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful! :)

    5/5

    Bri~

  • 12 years ago

    by Cindy

    Joe
    You did great with this. Wow the Old English is wonderful :) It is really a beauty.
    Excellent job!
    Take Care
    Cindy

  • 12 years ago

    by Nicole the Fairy

    Hey! Well, its the first time I've ever commented on such a strong Old English languaged poem!

    Wow, it's beautiful! I love your word usage, and the length you go to to create such warmth in my heart is extreme, yet not overdone.

    "Amorous glances pierce subdued nighted darkness,
    garnering sheer beauty whilst yearning thy affect.
    Stilly welkin waves pastels amidst its fineless canvas,
    painting feature - union carkanet on thine bare neck."

    ^^ the third stanza would have to be my favourite, as I think the metaphor [in my eyes] that you use is briliant, although I had to read it three or four times to let it soak in, it was just beautiful :) It, kinda sends shivers down my spine.. ".. on thine bare neck." < love these few words.. just love them!

    I love your imagery, and the way you place these Old English words together, and I know that they are hard to understand, but I still feel that sense of compassion, and that feel of love.

    Very well done!

    5 / 5 :)

    -Nicole.
    xo

  • 12 years ago

    by ASPHYXIATED

    `Sorry it took so long to repay your comment. (:

    Woah--
    this was something different, very different to what I've read on this site.
    I loved reading it, it had a something special.
    I think I'll comment in depth on the translated version because I'm not the biggest fan on Yee Old English, aha.
    But you managed to make it beautiful.

    Well done. (:

  • 12 years ago

    by Joshua Reimer

    Thank you for submitting this to my contest. i found it fitting that this would be the first poem that i would comment on. i love your use of old English. it is a difficult poem to read without a dictionary and a couple other resources on table beside you:). i have never had the need to look up a word from a poem before and this was very refreshing ( i almost forgot how to use a dictionary) i honestly still don't understand some of it. all in all 5/5 and a very well deserved 1st place.

  • 12 years ago

    by Jad

    This is definitelyy something I didn't exspect. At any rate the poem was good. The flow was good and the rhyme was good as well. The idea was good to. Good poem.

  • 12 years ago

    by Finalgravedigger

    I loved the style of your poem, it was truly different and unique. The way you wrote it made the scene seem more romantic, I could convey your message but it was a little harder due to the style i had to go over a little slower.