Comments : Another Chapter

  • 14 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "A feeling that has been felt before,
    One that I do not want.
    One that only hurts.
    One that I feel..."

    Good opening, sets the scene for the reader and gives them a clue of what you are speaking of.

    "Why must i always succumb,
    Again to the inevitable pain.
    The pain always comes,
    and it hurts, so bad."

    All of your "i"s should be capitalized.
    Good feelings and emotions here.

    "This feeling is like erotic torture.
    Makes you happy,
    But only for a limited time,
    For then it kills you..."

    I love your descriptions here, it really makes the reader see and understand, excellent job!

    "Happiness in the beginning,
    Pleasure comes along too.
    Then there is the broken heart,
    And with that, the Depression."

    Good job here, but why is depression capitalized? Its your poem so keep it if you want but I just thought it was not needed.

    "The girl i had before,
    And the same feelings also.
    Maybe now even more,
    Why again?"

    Good question, I like how that's tagged on.

    "She is poison.
    Numbs the mind,
    Numbs the heart.
    Then moves in to destroy."

    My favorite stanza, I love you clear out say how she is poison, then describe what she does exactly.

    "Maybe it will be different.
    That is what i hope,
    Because she is my dream.
    The one I want..."

    Nice emotions expressed here.

    "Three years now,
    I have been addicted.
    Once was i sober,
    Was clean for over a year."

    Maybe reword those last two lines to this:

    For I was once sober,
    And was clean for years.

    I just think its a little more cleaned up, just my opinion.

    "My drug has returned.
    She is back,
    And I am weak.
    I just want her..."

    I love your wording, simple yet meaningful.

    "So the feeling is back.
    It looks like it is time.
    Time for another chapter,
    For my Series of Love"

    Excellent ending, you have such talent!

    5/5 from me, take care and keep writing, always and forever...

    ~MaryAnne

  • 14 years ago

    by End Of Eternity

    Nice write, liked your style and way of presenting it.

    all the best and take care

  • 14 years ago

    by Alissa

    This was i think, your best piece ever. good job :)

  • 14 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    I love how you refered to the one youre attracted to as a drug.. although in a way that is cliche, truly we sometimes become to attached to someone that we're addicted to them and we love them, and although we may suffer a broken heart cause of them, we always come back for more cause we want to be with them more than anything. Pretty straight forward write, but definatly one that a lot of us could relate to, I believe. [:

    Well done Kee Kee.

    5/5.
    Temps

  • 14 years ago

    by WakingFreedom

    "She is poison.
    Numbs the mind,
    Numbs the heart.
    Then moves in to destroy."

    I like this stanza. It gives off an imagery so undefinable, its amazing. I gave you a 5/5 for this write. Take care.