Let Me Cut

I look for a knife.
I want to hold it in my hand.
Just to see what I will do with it.
You make me look like an idiot.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
You keep making me happy then breaking me.
You're not allowed to do that.
Just stop doing it to me.
You know what I've gone through.
Stop leading me on then turning me down.
Maybe that's not what you're doing but that's what it feels like.
I tried to stop cutting for you.
But it's who I am.
It's who I've become.
I love those blades.
I love the blood.
I love the rush of the whole thing.
You act like you didn't say that.
But you did and I can't forget about it.
The knife.
It's calling out to me.
Maybe it won't help.
But for a second I'll be in control.
Which is where I have to be.
Which is why I'm so miserable.
I can't control what happens with us.
You have all the power.
I don't like that.
I have no control over anything in my life.
I really don't.
That's why I like being in control when I'm using a blade.
And watching the blood.
So if I continue to do it don't get mad.
Cuz you don't know all of the crap behind it.
I don't think you ever will.
So just don't ask me not to.
Don't beg.
Don't plead.
Just let me do it this time.
Let me cut.
Just let me.