Comments : Asphyxiated.

  • 10 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I really liked how you wrote a poem about your screen name, very unique.

    "I'm ready to live-
    just cut my strings and tell me
    when protection turned to possession
    a mere trophy on your wall of pride."

    Excellent wording, that clearly expressed your feelings and got your message across, that you just are ready to live.

    "I'd of happily given my youth to you;
    my milk mustaches and cookie dough nose
    before your goofy laugh died of infatuation
    and obsession took the role."

    I adore this stanza, great descriptions of how you were when you were young, I would have never thought of "cookie dough nose"! This made me smile and really got me into your piece. The rest of this stanza is brilliant, I am enjoying this poem by you a lot.

    "I can't breathe when you're around me
    you still take my breath away."

    This two lines are short yet strong, they give the reader a sense of exactly what you are feeling, and make the reader understand. Nicely done.

    "I want to conquer it all-
    run wild in this open field
    but you're dragging me down.
    Suffocating.
    Set me free and watch;
    watch what I was born to do."

    A very meaningful and deep ending, that had me wanting to read more. Your wording held so much power and struck the reader. Beautiful job, this was a fantastic read, one of your best and my favorites. 5/5 from me, take care.

    ~MaryAnne

  • 10 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    'I'm ready to live-'

    ^ I'd suggest putting a space between '-' and live, do to the fact that when there is no space it signifies that the word continues, which in this case it doesn't...

    'just cut my strings and tell me'

    ^ I think this line would be better if worded like this: 'cut my strings; tell me' basically just getting rid of the filler words here, I think it brings this line out more by doing that, gives it a deeper tone.

    'I'd of happily given my youth to you;'

    ^ Remove 'of' it isn't needed, it's like say, 'I would of happily...' which makes sence, but with 'I'd of happily...' just doesn't flow or make as much sence for me, I think it flows better without 'of' it really isn't needed. I think this line would be better off like so, 'youth, I would've happily given to you;'

    'you still take my breath away.'

    ^ lol, this line reminded me of the song, 'Take my breath away'

    'I want to conquer it all-'

    ^ Again, I advice you put a space between "_" and all for the same reasoning I mentioned above...

    Overall, this was a great write about well yourself. Keep up the fantastic work my dear.

    Peace, Joe

  • 10 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    "I'm ready to live-
    just cut my strings and tell me
    when protection turned to possession"
    `Great opening, you come through with a strong point - a message. Wanting to know the answer. Sometimes someone can be so protective that it seems like they are possessed of you.. if I'm comprehending your lines correctly here.

    "I'd of happily given my youth to you;
    my milk mustaches and cookie dough nose
    before your goofy laugh died of infatuation
    and obsession took the role."
    `I love your vivid descriptions here, good job with 'milk mustaches' but especially 'cookie dough nose' what great descriptions here, it lets the reader really imagine what youre talking about without being vague.

    "I can't breathe when you're around me
    you still take my breath away."
    `The first stanza was really good and original, but then I got to this and honestly I found it really surprising that you through this in here, without any originality.. these two lines just seemed really cliche to me.. these lines are too often overused.. how someone takes our breath away when we're around them and how we cant breathe.

    "I want to conquer it all-
    run wild in this open field
    but you're dragging me down.
    Suffocating."
    `I loved this, sometimes we feel so determined to conquer something whether it be a goal or something else, but sometimes theres something or someone bringing us down, and not letting us pursue our hopes and dreams. Definatly a good word to use here to describe how this makes you feel how you feel as though this person is suffocating you, you dont feel as though you can move, nor breathe probably

    "Set me free and watch;
    watch what I was born to do."
    `Great ending, kind of ties back to your first line when you say "I'm ready to live".. your ready to be set free.

    Awesome write..
    The only part I didnt like was the two lines in the middle. They kind of in a way connect to your last stanza.. so you may just want to reword that so it doesnt come across as too clliche, but other than that I really loved this write.. thought it was well structured.

    Well done.
    5/5. Temps

  • 10 years ago

    by xToBeWithYoux

    Hi,

    I really liked this. The way that you used the metaphors was different to ways I've seen before, and it hooked me.

    However, I must agree with Temps about the middle two lines. They seemed a bit, simple compared to the rest of the poem, and I wasn't too keen on the near-repitition of 'breathe' and 'breath', althoguh I did like the contrast between the rest of the poem and those two seperate lines.

    Overall, I really do like this, so it gets a 5/5 from me and a nomination :)

    Keep writing,
    Emily :)

  • 10 years ago

    by GoodMorning

    Hey, Leese! Guess who. :P

    So I seen a few people commented about how they didn't like the two lines in the middle:

    "I can't breathe when you're around me
    you still take my breath away."

    They said they were cliche and too simple.
    But I disagree! They are cliche lines,
    yesss. But I don't think you were trying to use them in that sense? The usual way people use them. Hrm. How do I put this?

    It seems, to me, you were trying to explain how your emotions about this person are a tad conflicting?

    As in, you can't breathe when you're around them, because they're so smothering.. you feel anxious, and claustrophobic.
    But then, in another sense.. they take your breath away, because in some aspects you still love and adore this person, and they can still do just a few things that never cease to amaze you.

    Does that make any sense at all?
    Probably not, hahaa.

    But I just wanted to let you know
    that's what those lines meant to me,
    and I like them just where they are.

    (:

    Okey, all done!

  • 10 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    Wow....

    I'm ready to live-
    just cut my strings and tell me

    *This reminds me of something a puppet would say. I'm glad you said this lines and moved on to other things. Some people use the puppet thing too much, but you didn't so yay :) *

    I'd of happily given my youth to you;

    *This line bothers me. It's just an grammar thing though. I would take out "of" and put in "have". Maybe it's just me but when I was in school teachers would jump all over us for saying "of" in place of "have" Just thought I should point that out*

    my milk mustaches and cookie dough nose

    *Aww this was such a sweet child like thing to write. It gives me the feeling of innocence and I like that. I think it adds a sotfens to the poem. I think this was my favorite line.*

    I can't breathe when you're around me
    you still take my breath away.

    *I don't know about the others, but I think these too lines needed to be said. Everything else you said talked about how this person took other things from you. But these two lines relate to the most important part of the poem...the title. It doesn't matter that the lines are simple. I think that makes it easier to understand the poem and how this person effected you.It also makes the lines surrounding it even stronger*

    I want to conquer it all-
    run wild in this open field

    *This makes me think about a horse or a bird. Animals that people always try to cage or control. I like that you used this here. It makes me picture what you're saying so clearly.*

    but you're dragging me down.
    Suffocating.
    Set me free and watch;
    watch what I was born to do.

    *I like the ending. It makes me feel hopeful, but it also makes me wonder if you will ever be freed. I think you did a wonderful job all in all. I'm glad I read this :) Nik*