Comments : Listen to me

  • 14 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "I am the morning dew
    When sun rises I change into something new
    I travel all over the world with the relishing breeze
    I fall down on people so that I can help their pain to ease"

    Wow, this is a stunning opening. The wording you used pulled me into this poem and was so descriptive. Very well-penned, I am loving the images given off.

    "I am all alone when I am stuck in the storm
    Just waiting to drop so that I can pour happiness on someone who is in mourn
    Listen to me I am whispering in your ears
    Revealing my secrets that I have been holding for many years"

    My only suggestion here and in the whole poem would be to add punctuation, but you don't have to.

    Fourth line: A comma should be placed after "me" for a pause. Otherwise, a brilliant stanza, you have a way with words for sure.

    "I am not a magician this is for what I am made
    I am the very first thing that god ever create
    Listen to me I am the rain
    I put off hearts fire"

    First line: Maybe reword to this:

    "I am not a magician, I was made this way"

    Second line: "create" should be "created".

    Third line: Add a comma after "me".

    "Listen to me I am the rain
    I can be anything with ones desire
    Listen to me I am the rain
    Down on earth I see so much pain"

    First line: Comma after "me".

    Second line: "ones" should be "one's".

    Third line: Comma after "me".

    Fourth line: A powerful line, nice work.

    "Only reason I want to fall
    So that I can pour real life in you all "

    Reword those two lines to this, it will read much better:

    "The only reason I want to fall down
    Is so I can pour real life in you all"

    Otherwise, wonderful work. There are some things you could touch up on, but this whole concept was amazing. 4/5 from me, keep writing, you have much talent.

    Take care and God Bless!

    ~MaryAnne