Comments : Incomplete.

  • 10 years ago

    by The Prince

    Obviously my comment on this poem/note was 'Comfort' but I just thought you and everyone who reads this needs to be reminded of how talented you are. You're incredible.

    'Tonight my hands are open, not in attempts
    to grasp something I know is not in front of me.
    They're open, rather, just in patience...
    waiting to see if you'll take them.
    I'm waiting to see if you'll remember me.'

    You have a delicate way with words that strikes me to the bone every time. The way you craft everything you write is phenomenal. It's musical. I find it hard to even find words to comment on anything you've written. Even harder to find words to describe this. I hoped my response was enough. I wish I could just write and write with you.

    Amazing.

  • 10 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Novalyn, I am speachless, this piece was amazing. I can't help but smile and think of the beauty that lies within this piece of poetry. It is full of emotion and depth inwhich the reader can embrace and relate to. Nice work, now on to my comment on the rest of the piece.

    'Days are folding over night...'

    ^Wow, Novalyn, this was a great start to your poem. You're wording was excellent, one usually doesn't think of days folding to night, yet, your description was spot on with imagery. This part reminds me much of 'folding' or 'kneading' dough, as it is turns from dough to pastry. Nice wording again, I can just say so much about this one piece of the first line, but I won't since there is more to comment about.

    '...with the creases of a map,'

    ^This protion greatly defines the distance that lies between the two people/places as the use of 'map' indicates. The usage of 'creases' shows that this 'map' has been 'folded' which goes back to the first portion of this line in a way. Creases also indicates that it's been overtime that 'the roads have been closed, but now they are open again for travels' In better terms, your heart has re-opened for this person to travel amongst. Just my opinion of course.

    'traveling my sun to your window,'

    ^This part enforces my interpretation since you are saying, 'my sun' meaning you obviously, traveling to 'your window' or his window. It shows that you are willing to travel the distance (as I've stated above) to be with this person. Fantastic choice of words to portray this.

    'in a casual 'good morning.''

    ^Great way to end this stanza/verse, it shows the tone of this piece as being 'casual' yet unique at the sametime. Nice Job!

    'I wonder what you see when you stop dreaming.'

    ^I often wonder the same, what do I see? haha, no but really, this is a statement yet at the sametime a question which I think is fantastic in poetry, it makes the reader stop and ponder for a moment. In this case I would assume (based on my interpretation and already reading Dannys poem) that he would see you.

    'I long to rest my head,...'

    ^Often many people do long to rest their head upon 'a shoulder' of 'Comfort' (which goes back to Danny's title Comfort).

    '...but the heaviness of time'

    ^However as mentioned in the rest of the line, time is a burden inwhich pushes you down and down giving you an obstacle for you (and him) to find a way around it and progress foward. For with time, time will reveal.

    'has set itself atop my crown,'

    ^Which gives you a burden to carry as I've mentioned above.

    'burying its hands into my brow.'

    ^Considering you are taking place as nature in this poem I would assume by 'brow' you mean a hilltop, but if that's not the case and you mean your eyebrow, then I don't really think that is the right word to use to describe the hands of time being burried.

    'This length ahead of me is static and uncertain.
    I'm less afraid of the distance and more afraid
    of being forgotten, really.'

    ^Long distance relationships are often hard, but worth the fight if you truely love eachother. Uncertainty will always be a factor, as will being afraid of being forgotten, but that all changes once you both meet. The relationship is brought to the next level and it starts to blossum even more. Personally, I'm just talking from personal experience. Great stanza which I'm sure a lot of people can relate to.

    'There was once a time I was left by the back door,
    wondering how I'd changed so nonchalantly. Being left
    alone is only half of what happens when a love is jilted.
    The rest moves silent and slow throughout your body,
    until at last: you want to leave yourself for the same
    reasons he made up.'

    ^This part brings your personal story to the table which helps to develop the rest of this poem. Nice Job!

    'Tonight my hands are open, not in attempts
    to grasp something I know is not in front of me.
    They're open, rather, just in patience...
    waiting to see if you'll take them.
    I'm waiting to see if you'll remember me.'

    ^Wow, I could really feel the emotion in this stanza. It truely re-enforces your other stanza were you said, '...more afraid
    of being forgotten, really.' Patience is the key to long distance, things won't blossum overnight, but with time it shall reveal. And as you said in this stanza, it's not that you want to grasp something that's not physically infront of you, but you are waiting to see if with time it will be true, where you'll be able to actually grasp, take hold of that person whom you are addressing this piece to.

    'The sky is a captor of all things released.
    I have lived in its awning since I last knew comfort,
    and now my feet are asking to touch the ground again.
    They want to run closer to where you live and breathe,
    gathering the soil where you once stood.'

    ^Great stanza to further state your feelings towards this person. You want to 'run closer to where you [he] live[s] and breathe[s]' stating how you'd like to be with him physically, not just mentally.

    'I'm afraid to leave the stars and the moon,
    whose company hast kept me so long.
    This velvet cocoon is all I can feel with my lonely hands.
    What happens when I run to where you are,
    and find you still untouchable?'

    ^I begain to read this stanza and stopped at 'hast' since it is archaic language (meaning 'have') it doesn't really fit with the rest of your poem. I would suggest that you use 'has' in it's place, so it flows nicer with the rst of the style of this poem.

    I loved how you described this feeling via a cocoon, it is so original and unique.

    I liked how you added the question at the end, I enjoy questions in poetry for it adds to the read and gives the peice more depth since the reader is participating more in the read, it makes them ponder a little more.

    'My darkness yawns in the small hours,
    stretching its limbs to the edge of your waking moments.
    Somewhere in the middle, our exposures collide
    and create dusk over a timeless field.'

    ^Beautiful, just beautiful. You are very talented with words, keep up your amazing talent. This stanza was just breath taking, it was such a breath of fresh air.

    'Will you meet me there?'

    ^I don't know, will I? Will he? Will whom meet you there? Okay okay, I know what you are getting at here, it co-exists with the rest of your right, nice work.

    'Today has folded over night entirely,
    with the readiness of tomorrow sending my sun
    from your sill in a boldly spoken 'good morning.''

    ^I loved how you went back to the begining of your write, it is a refreasher to what the reader had read before, it ties the rest of the poem together very nicely.

    'I wonder who you see when you stop dreaming.'

    ^Great way to end this piece. I liked how you repeated this part, it really makes the reader sit and think for a moment in time.

    Novalyn, fantastic write, keep up the amazing work and I shall be sure to continue reading, you have so much talent in the way you word your writings. Absolutly beautiful write. :]

    Peace, Joe

  • 10 years ago

    by Sylvia

    I won't go into as much detail as Danny and Joe. I will second their comments. I enjoyed reading this. Full of emotions, vivid original images. Over all, it is very well written. Good job.

  • 10 years ago

    by Nee

    Such a stunning work girl !
    I love it (:

  • 10 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    Woah I'm not sure if you expect the reader to actually have words after reading your poem! absolutely expressed with every piece of your heart, emotions flowed so smoothly and made such a powerful write. soo impressive nova, this is remarkable! it must have took you ages to write something like this, it blew me off my feet.. i'm speechless! I think Joe said everything already.. well done!!

  • 10 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Congrats girl, I read this poem before but forgot to comment.

    It's beautiful, intelligent and a gem:)

    Well deserved win and a straight 5/5 from me for you.

    *hugs*

    Ingrid

  • 10 years ago

    by Nee

    Congrats girl!!!
    very well deserved =)

  • 10 years ago

    by miracle

    OMG this piece is absolutly amazing the images it sends you as you read this remarkable. you should publish this for sure...amazing piece.

  • 10 years ago

    by Sora Lynn

    I've read alot of your work. But this poem has to be my favorite. It's simply beautiful Emotional and touching. I read it like 4 times. I liked it that much. Your pieces have so much meaning behind them. That is an amazing thing. I hope to see your work published one day, if it already isn't. 5/5.. Never stop writing..

    -Ashlei.