I like the angst of this piece Tom, you can feel it building as you read and I especially like the ending. I wasn't too sure about the repeating line at first, but after a couple of times through it, it grew on me and started to fit.
I agree with you Beautiful Chaos - I'm not sure I like the repeating line either. The more I read it the less I like it. I may have to try and change it. It is not a comfortable read for me even though I wrote it... Thanks Tom