Comments : In my demons' posession

  • 14 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Slipping, through descending night..."

    This one line was very powerful and was worded well to grab the reader and pull them in. "descending night" was brilliant.

    "To burn upon a soul, these eyes betray"

    This line really caught my eye, I love "burn upon a soul" very descriptive and haunting.

    "A mirror broken, stashed seven years too late"

    There is much meaning here that the reader is figuring out, nicely said.

    "Swept as a tongue swallows faintly blood"

    I don't think this line sounded the best with "faintly", maybe change to "faint"? It would just fit better. Or you could say "Swept as a tongue swallows blood faintly".

    "And stains beneath thoughts heavy fog"

    Now this line didn't make the most sense to me, I think because of the way it was worded. You need some type of verb, maybe its just me, but I didn't really understand what you were trying to say here.

    "Arms twisted, bound, in Devil's Trap"

    This was really good, I like the creativity you have shown here.

    "Eyes lifted, distant, an empty soul"

    I like how you give so much imagery and "lifted", "distant", and "empty" really put the reader into your mind. Great job!

    "In Latin's shadows lingers the ink
    As the fallen Witness falls"

    The first line was very good, I wouldn't change a thing. But the second line I felt weak to be the ending, I think it is because you repeated "fall". Maybe reword that line to this:

    "As the fallen Witness shatters" or "As the fallen Witness collapses" or "As the fallen Witness decays".

    Just leave the reader wanting more.

    Overall, 4/5 from me. This was very interesting and caught my eye, I just think in some places you could touch certain things up. This was very short and I wanted more too, you have much talent.

    I will read more of your word once you submit more poems. Take care and God bless you!

    ~MaryAnne

  • 14 years ago

    by Pesamenteiro

    Slipping, through descending night...
    <I like how you put a few spaces between the first and second line, it gives it a more dramatic feel, like you’re waiting to begin>

    To burn upon a soul, these eyes betray
    <I like this line, the eyes betray the soul>

    A mirror broken, stashed seven years too late
    <wow this is really great :D I love it, its really original, I haven’t heard if before>

    Swept as a tongue swallows faintly blood
    <this line doesn’t seem to work, “swallows faintly blood” try “faintly swallows blood” or something, (though that doesn’t really work either)
    Its got potential, but its not quite there yet>

    And stains beneath thoughts heavy fog
    <Again, not sure about this line, it doesn’t really make sense to me>

    Arms twisted, bound, in Devil's Trap
    <this is a good line, nothing really stand out to me though>

    Eyes lifted, distant, an empty soul
    <this is another great line, distant and empty. Good imagry>

    In Latin's shadows lingers the ink
    <I really like this one, I love the comparison of a shadow to ink, and how you use ‘Latin’ it fits together really well>

    As the fallen Witness falls
    <I don’t like this line. You use ‘fall’ twice in a short line. It doesn’t flow well. It’s a common mistake, I do it too. :P
    It’s the end of a poem, and it should pull the whole thing together, but it just doesn’t. Maybe.. “The final witness falls” or something along those lines>

    All in all, its got potential, but as I’ve said, its not quite there yet.
    Great job 4/5
    (I love supernatural too :D)