Comments : Break My Heart

  • 11 years ago

    by Jad

    Why am I still in love with you, when it was obvious from the start?
    You never tried to love me; you only wanted to break my heart.
    Why can't I breathe, whenever you are near?
    Even though I always knew you would never start to care.

    *This was a good first stanza as you you where getting the questions out but unlike every other stanza the last two lines on this stanza don't rhyme unless that was how you were making the poem.*

    Why can't I stop thinking about you, when it's clear you never thought about me?
    Why do I keep on falling, when you never fell for me?
    Why can't I get over you, when you never felt the same?
    Why can't I fall for someone else, and forget your stupid name.

    *Another great stanza the flow was okay and the rhyming was good in this one as well. I don't really see any needful changes in this.*

    Why can't I look at you, why does it break my heart?
    Is there any point in trying any more, when my world just falls apart?
    Why do I still I smile, when I hear your voice?
    It looks like I cant get over you; it doesn't feel like I have a choice.

    *I like this one as well. The rhyme and flow are good and the only correction I noticed that was need is that in the last stanza cant needs an apostrophe.*

    What can I do? Should I just run and hide?
    Let the tears come out and forget that you lied?
    What is it about you anyway, that made me fall so deep?
    What made me feel like I couldn't breath without you, why are you the reason I can not sleep?

    *This stanza was okay but the flow seems a little off in the last stanza because of the longness of it but that's just me maybe. other than that good job.*

    I cant understand why I fell, when I knew you wouldn't be there,
    I don't know why I bother when I know you will never care.
    I know that I made a mistake, I should have known from the start,
    You never even tried to love me you only wanted to break my heart.

    *A great way to summarize everything you were talking about and showing that you now know the answer to your questions. You need an semicolon after me in the last stanza. Other than that this was a wonderful poem and a great work. Just polish it up and it will be a really good one. -Jad