The Monsters Are Feeding

Temps said it all for me. I really liked this hun. I miss your writing. You never fail to amaze me :) Keep them coming. Nik

A great title; right off the bat it's dark and makes you want to read more!

'Damped voices within the air'
^I really thought this was well written, a great line to start off with, I actually have never heard someone use the phrase 'damped voices' I really thought that was original.

'A hungry looking, greedy stare
Challenge the righteous, challenge their wit
But all you do it cry and sit
The monsters are feeding on your despair'
^This was full of that 'dark' feeling; what a dark atmosphere youve created for the reader so far. Very well done with this!

'They creep and walk in through the door
And feed off your soul, more and more
And all you can do is sit there and cry'
^Alright to be honest I had a few issues with these lines. First off too many 'and's so that kind of threw me off. Maybe rephrase this part like this [only a suggestion] --

'They creep and walk in through the door
feed off your soul, more and more;
all you can do is sit there and cry'

^Basically all I did was change the puncuation and take out the unneccesary and's that were used.

I dont really know if I was a fan of the repetition of wanting to sit there and cry, I dont feel like that line is the strongest nor is it something in my eyes that needs to be repeated.

'You were strong, but now your weak'
^Your should be you're

'The monsters breath lays on your cheek'
^Monster's should have an apostrophe, other than that.. this line was brilliant. Loved how you described the breath lying on your cheek, I have never heard this before; it blew me away.

'As my body lays here and rots"'
^Maybe try and say 'to rot' rather than 'and rots'

Interesting ending with the dialogue per se, the death note. A unique write.. I think youve really improved lately in your writing, your poems are being more and more enjoyable. Keep up the great work! [;